MAKING A CHOICE

Making a choice, among the few or many available to us is difficult in our lives. God provided us with a variety of resources of utility and entities of beauty around us to keep us energetic, inspired and happy. I would give you the list of choices I had once and have now and how I had and have to choose one from them in a context or situation. Many times, we don’t make a choice after careful thought for years but randomly and carelessly. This is why we are all somewhat happy now. The more we think to make a choice, the more we fail to opt for one. I believe that most of our lives are a result of our random choices.

1. I was born in a village named Gollalagunta, East Godavari District, Andhra Pradesh, on 8 September, 1976, sometime around 2:40 pm that day. I was the third son to my parents. I did not choose the place or time of birth. I did not choose my parents. I did not choose my siblings. This birth was imposed on me.

2. I grew up in a mango farm of the Kshatriyas of village Tangedu, which is near village Ramayyapatnam in Visakhapatnam district, along with my parents and brothers. I studied my first and second standards in the primary school at Ramayyapatnam. I walked about two kilometers to reach this school. I did not choose my school. I had to accept what was there. There were no multiple options either.

3. My parents sent me to the house of my maternal grandparents in Gollalagunta for my study from the third standard onwards. I studied at the upper primary school in Gollalagunta from my third to seventh standards. My parents imposed their choice on me here. I obeyed and followed what they instructed me.

4. My uncle K V Rama Raju, who was one of the teachers for me at this school during this time, thought that I could study well if I join the Andhra Pradesh Residential School (APRS) for Boys at Bhupatipalem in East Godavari District. He kept me at his abode in Jaggampeta for about a month and got me prepare for the entrance test into this school. I did not take this entrance exam well. I did not think that I would get a place to study here. I joined the Zilla Parishad High School at village Darlapudi to pursue my eigth standard. Around October 1990, I knew that I got a place to join this school as one of the students that joined this school left soon being unable to study in that remote and isolated area. We call it ‘waiting list’. I entered it. I continued there. I got accustomed to high degree of self-discipline when studying here because every student has to conduct himself or herself systematically while in a residential school, without the help of parents or relatives, away from them. I did not make this choice but my uncle. I accepted his choice and benefitted from it. In childhood, mostly others impose their choices on us. We have to obey and benefit from it. Often, we may miss beauty of our lives, because of their choices for us.

5. After completing my standard 10 from the APRS School at Bhupatipalem, in May 1993, I was sent to the coaching centre named Tadikonda Study Circle in Guntur city for getting coaching to take the entrance test meant for polytechnic course. I was here for about 40 days. I was already poor at mathematics. So, I did not get a good rank in this entrance exam. I did not apply for admission into any Intermediate college soon after taking this entrance test, with the blind belief that I would get a place in some polytechnic college. I lost the academic year 1993-1994 due to my ignorance. Polytechnic was not my choice but that of my father or my uncle. I accepted their choice but could not benefit from it.

6. My teacher uncle K V Rama Raju, after observing my failure to get through the entrance exam for polytechnic, advised me to take an arts course in Intermediate in which I need not struggle with numbers. I liked it. It was my choice to take HEC (History, Economics and Civics) group in Intermediate. I travelled by train between Narsipatnam Road and Elamanchili stations to pursue this course. I got first class marks in it. I benefitted from my choice. I entered a stage of life where I had freedom to choose.

7. My father, being uneducated, did not spend much money for my education at Intermediate level. I did not like his attitude towards me those days because he valued money more than me. I felt disappointed during these two academic years. I believed that I could not study well with the financial assistance of my father. I thought that I should get out of this hell. I was in deep admiration with Lakshmi, the daughter of a fellow, whose house was close to our rented abode, then. I started admiring her from around 1990. It got intensified by 1996. On January 8, 1996, at night, I talked with her father for half an hour and explained him emotionally that I was in love with his daughter and that I wanted to marry her. I did this after knowing that she would get married soon with a boy chosen by her parents. He said that his daughter did not know my name also. I realized that he became a villain. On February 10, 1996, at night, I daringly went to their house again and asked her parents to call their daughter Lakshmi out, so that I could talk with her and know whether she admired/loved me or not. They refused to do it. Her mother rebuked me severely. I decided never to turn my head also towards their house after this incident of humiliation. Lakshmi got married on 20 April, 1996. This severe blow on my psyche also provoked me to join Indian Army with the assistance of my brother Srinivasa Raju (MEG and Centre, Bengaluru, bearing number 15302638^W), who was already with it. I made this choice being compelled by circumstances around me but not exclusively because I liked it. My stint with Indian Army was between December 20, 1996 and 20 April, 1997. I spent most of this time as a garden boy. I got army number 15317443^H around the end of February, 1997. I did not like that rigid and conditioned environment. I left it. It was my choice.

8. Many, including my parents, rebuked me having understood that I left army at a time when many were hopelessly struggling to get a job with the defense services, a safe, reliable and secure job with central government. I joined B.A. course at the government degree college in Elamanchili in July 1997. It was my choice based on my earlier choice. A student of HEC group can take B.A. course only. It does not mean that I could take commerce course either even if a choice was there. I developed aversion for any subject with numbers from 1993 onwards. I passed my BA course with first class marks in 2000.

9. By this time I heard that University of Hyderabad was a great one in Andhra Pradesh and had vague idea to go for the entrance test of this university. My uncle K V Rama Raju enabled me to get that application form in time when I casually went to his abode in Jaggampeta once during this time. I took this entrance test in Andhra University at Visakhapatnam but I had no hope that I would get through it. They conducted this entrance test at 12 centers in India. A Telugu medium student of 15 years’ education, from a rural background, defeating many competent students from other regions, was an ordeal for me. I wondered when I got a letter from them stating that I could join this university by so and so date. My folks, my brother Srinivas in particular, felt very happy about my achievement in this regard. I did not like to pursue this course if my father would fund it. I developed more aversion for his attitude towards me, in financial matters, during my three years as a B.A. student also. My brother Srinivas said that he would spend money for my course and gave about 20,000 rupees to enable me to join this university. Later my father repaid him that money and he bore my expenses as a student there. He spent about 50,000 rupees for me for my education here. I passed M.A. English course with 58% marks in 2002. Pursuing M.A. English course was my choice because I developed passion for English since I was in my sixth standard at Gollalagunta. I developed my English for about 12 years before taking a decision to pursue M.A. English course. So, this choice was made by me believing that I deserve it.

10. I struggled and suffered much from July 2002 to November 2003 because of my effort to go to Alaska for fish packaging job, which I thought, would enable me to earn about two lakh rupees a month. By this time, I realized that money makes many things in human life. To earn more, fast, I chose this option of employment but the consultant cheated me. My father lost about one lakh rupees due to it.

11. I admired about four girls after Lakshmi and wanted to marry them. It was my choice. I failed in these efforts and married in a traditional format. I chose this girl also to marry after discarding many options offered by my father. Being able to choose our life partner, on our own, is luck in countries like India, especially in poor and uneducated families from rural backgrounds.

12. I did jobs with five units of employment till now, with considerable gaps between one job and the other. These were all my choices from a few available to me. I enjoyed doing each of these jobs. No job completely matches our interests and expectations. Compromise is inevitable in this domain.

13. Now I am unable to choose one from many options available to make my life comfortable and happy. So, when choosing one out of helplessness, I miss or lose the remaining ones:   

a. I want to meet many persons I like and see many places I wish to visit.

b. I want to see many films and fairs regularly.

c. I want to meet my friends now and then and enjoy their presence for a while.

d. I want to go to a remote place and live peacefully in a clean and beautiful ambience.

e. I want to spend enough time with my parents and relatives.

f. I want to spend more time with my wife and children.

g. I want to write often and publish books.

h. I want to go to those places where I spent considerably earlier as a student, jobholder or person.

i. I want to go back to those days when I enjoyed my life better than now despite hardships.

j. I want such life where nobody dictates me what I should do but allows me what I like to do always.

k. I want to kill everybody that is torturing others severely, directly or indirectly, often or regularly.

l. I want to know more about God, meeting great saints in India.

m. I want to see India in such a state, where all are living based on virtues and devotion towards God.

n. I want to do exercise regularly and burn excessive fat stored around my abdomen.

o. I want my health to be better than what I have now.

p. I want to sleep peacefully every night without any dream.

q. I wish to look young, energetic and handsome always, so that society may find me interesting.

r. I want such job where there are no restrictions of any kind at all.

s. I want to explore more in India to understand its diversity and feel its beauty.

t. I want that much money with which I can build a good house in my favourite place.

u. I should be able to run any vehicle so that I can buy them and move anywhere at will.

v. I want hygienic and healthy foods everywhere so that I can buy and consume them happily.

w. I want to live honestly and ideally always but I should not face difficulties on this journey.

x. I want state and central governments to establish such rule where all can live happily and comfortably.

y. I want all private and government employees to work based on the ideals of honesty, toil and loyalty.

z. I want all to live with a sense of mutual respect and love but not jealousy, hatred and cruelty.

I am unable to live happily now because I cannot create a world around me which I like the most. There are many choices around me but I cannot choose the best one for me as I cannot afford them. I have many desires but cannot fulfil all of them. I have limitations and restrictions as a civilized human being. When I try to get something, struggling hard, something else attracts me and gets me astray. I should be able to delete unwanted thoughts from my mind but I cannot do it. My subconscious area has a storehouse of haunting memories and sad experiences which often disturb and disappoint me. Others are not happy if I do what I like only. I am compromising a lot to satisfy others, doing what I personally do not like much.

Insights

1. Nobody can make the best choices in life or profession because what looks extraordinary today might turn out to be unwanted and detestable tomorrow due to change in your perception or in others.

2. Thinking too much about anything or struggling restlessly for something or somebody is avoidable. Many things are not in your control. You can imagine a lot but in reality it may never happen.

3. You can never utilize all the available options in your life. When you are with somebody, doing something, you are missing many incidents, experiences and persons. You cannot be everywhere.

4. Many things happen in your life before you reach an age of maturity whereby you can make choices for your satisfaction. Accepting and being happy with what happened is better than worrying about them.

5. We are not living in this world exclusively for ourselves but for others also. As a son, daughter, mother, father, relative, well-wisher, employer, employee …we have to play many roles attentively.

6. There is no happiness and contentment in struggling for what is inaccessible and unaffordable but being balanced and ideal with people, places and circumstances set around us by God with a purpose.

7. More than your intelligence, meticulous planning and perfect execution of something, your destiny configures most of where you should be born, how you should live and where you should die.

8. People and things around you play a destined role in your life. Never expect everything to happen to your advantage or happiness. You are just a particle in a world of unbelievable wonders and secrets.

9. Do not love or hate anybody or anything deeply. Nothing is permanent here. Nobody is completely reliable in this world. Just ensure that you are playing your role sensibly and sensitively.

10. Hardships and pains are inevitable parts of human life. You took this birth to clear those debts and burdens of your previous births only. Your soul has that history. Never try to explore that mystery.

11. Be good and open-minded at your level. Don’t compare your personality and achievements with those of others around you. You are a unique creature of God. Respect and love yourself. Feel it always.

12. Instead of struggling to know about quite mysterious and incredible truths around you, bring comfort and happiness into the lives of creatures around you utilizing what is available and affordable to you.  

13. Life is a mysterious but exciting journey. Nobody knows whom you meet and where you go on this track of wonders. Keep going. It needs much patience on your part. Be ready to face anything on the way.

14. Never expect too much from others. Like you, they have also many problems, tensions and fears in their lives and professions. Practice unconditional love with people and things around you always.

15. God planned for you more than what you can for yourself. Do not plan excessively for you or others. Very few things are in your control. Don’t toil to make impossible possible. It never happens.

16. Understand things from the perspectives of those to whom you want to help. Avoid excessive selfishness or goodness. You have an inevitable role to play. You should live to play that role completely.