HOW TO EXPRESS IT?

There is a long distance between feeling and expression of it. There are many thoughts, emotions, passions, ideas and fancies in us but we fail to express most of them for various reasons. Expression is an outlet of our hidden feelings, which helps us relieve ourselves of that concealed psychological burden. I believe that 50% of our innermost thoughts and notions are remaining unexpressed forever. I share some of my notions and experiences in this regard. You too have them. Feel them. Try if you can express them someday. I think it is very difficult!

1. Lakshmi was the first innocent and impressive beauty that attracted me when I was 17 or so. Their house was just opposite ours though a little far. We fell into silent and secret love with each other unknowingly. When I knew that she was getting married soon, I wrote a letter and posted it. The postman was considerably familiar to me and the father of that girl. He returned that letter to me shortly. I don’t know whether this postman read this letter or her father. My intended creature did not receive it. There were many feelings of admiration and psychic attachment between her and me. I could not reach them to her properly even to this day. Void thus spread between us. I am talking a lot of nonsense with a number of creatures daily about quite unnecessary things also but I failed doing it effectively with the one whom I admired a lot. Expression in words is more concrete than other forms of it.

2. My parents struggled a lot to bring me and my two brothers up. I saw, felt and experienced those times. I always feel grateful to them for what they did and are doing now for our happiness and welfare. Their affection and care is so pure and deep for us that we often fail language to express it. Can we express it in a few words or a few acts? If I give fruits and snacks favourable to them regularly, would it fill that need felt by me intensely? How can I assess the value of their love and attachment for me to repay it in a proper order? I am working and living for myself. They are living and working for us more than themselves. Theirs is selfless and unconditional love. I may not be the best man in this world from many perspectives to many close and distant observers but I always look so to my parents. Their love is blind and irrational as parents towards us? I often fail to express my sense of gratitude to them for all that.

3. My elder brother Srinivas enabled me to enter the University of Hyderabad and study there for two years. He may not have expressed his sense of love and affection for me in different ways so far for some reasons but he has a lot of warmth and love for me. I can feel it as his brother. I too often feel to say or do something to express my sense of affection for him but failed to do it till now. Feeling is intense but expression is zero. I never told him how much I love him because I take it as an uneasy and avoidable affair altogether. Being unable to express our love to the close and related ones is really a big challenge for all of us. It is more so when we fail to do towards our siblings also.

4. My brother Sambha is the pillar of our family. He thinks and does something good and visionary minding the welfare of our family. He is not as educated as me but he can handle different kinds of people better than me. He is logical and practical in understanding and treating people. I am sensitive and ideal in many respects. He expresses his bitter or sweet feelings towards others instantly to settle the matter there and then itself. I don’t do so presuming that others might get hurt. He is my hope and guide as an affectionate and loving brother. I think God often equips us with the kind of people we need to survive happily. We fail to identify and appreciate them just because they are very close and unbelievably helpful to us. We think we need not express it. Often we fail to express it properly.

5. Often I see extraordinary beauties on roads, in buses, trains, bus stations, railway stations and elsewhere. Their beauty impresses me deeply. I think ‘what an exceptional beauty?’ Her financial status may be low. Her standard of living might be quite ordinary. Her social status may be negligible. Beauty is God’s gift. It may be anywhere. It does not come to us searching for us. We must go there. It is a blessing of God in nature. The presence, voice, appearance and characters of many beautiful girls and women impress me deeply. They are not related to me directly or indirectly. They are not accessible to me. Above all, in a democratic country like India, I should respect the rights and privileges of many creatures around me. Talking something to an unknown person is, in a way, violating their fundamental rights. If they don’t like it, they may take it offensive and insulting. My sense of admiration and appreciation often fails voice in these contexts. Beauties are remaining passive and dull for these reasons in almost every part of the world. We should not wish to possess every beauty we see but we must be able to express a few words at least because it may be a source of inspiration to them. Can we imagine such an ideal world where anybody can publicly or privately express his or her sense of celebration and appreciation to the other?

6. As a regular viewer of Telugu feature films, I feel very impressed by the beauty, dresses, dance and performance of many actresses and character artistes. I am just able to reach the images of those extraordinary performers but not the actual persons to say or write something personally. I have many notions of admiration and appreciation towards many actors and actresses and many others that appear on film screens but failed to express them so far. I have words to speak or write but no accessibility to those for whom I intend them. A multitude of feelings and emotions are getting buried in my inner self only for this reason. They are beautiful and inspiring creations of God. I am their admirer like many living in this world. There is a long distance between them and me. It’s vacuum and void for me.

7. I passively watch some Telugu television serials in the evenings while my wife does it actively as a habit. I am pressed for time though I like watching television like anything. The beauty, facial expressions, acting skills of many actresses in these serials is so attractive and impressive to me that I think that they are far better than many famous actresses on silver screen. I equally like the looks and performance of many male performers in these serials and other programs. I could not reach my sense of admiration to them so far because their contact details are not easily accessible. Many of them may not even care our emails or messages because of their busy personal or professional lives. Expression not acknowledged by others often insults or hurts us. This is one of the major reasons why many do not express their feelings at all. One person’s response or reaction towards us might impact our overall impression about the creatures in a field of activity or business. Thus, one idiot spoils the image of a whole industry; be it politics, cinema, drama or television. My love for those appearing on television never got an expression.

8. Even as an employee, I often find it difficult to say something to one that I like for their beauty or skills. We cannot talk as freely as we can with the creature of our gender with those of opposite gender. Feminism is one of the reasons. Now girls and women are opting for more space and privacy than those in the past. Boys and men developed many fears and doubts about them for this reason. We find considerable beauties in almost every workplace we come across in our careers. They may not be close to us but we feel a sense of gratitude or admiration towards them for many reasons. We don’t even talk with many in our offices and companies. Then where is space for expression of our feelings and notions! They are waiting to hear something from us because almost everybody craves decent identity and ideal appreciation. A bridge is there between them and us forever. We see them daily. We feel a lot of admiration for them. We feel like expressing it one day. That day never comes. What a pity?

9. Many consider a writer or an artist immoral because he or she admires many around him or her except his or her spouse! Proximity entails contempt. My wife never felt like taking a photo or video for me when I look handsome in a pair of clothes on some days at least. The other day I deliberately told her ‘You never felt like taking a photo for me with our camera. You have time to watch television, beautify yourself and do many such things but never time to capture me with our camera’. She felt guilty and insulting like any typical Indian wife in relation to her good husband’s rational questions! She is taking photos now and then now after my hint. A husband asking his wife to take his photos is a matter of pity really. I felt it. I take her photos almost every day if time permits me. I have passion for beauty, just not my wife or my daughter. I feel it and wish to store it in some form. She may be a beauty but not an admirer of beauty as deeply as me. Just because she did not take my photos intuitively, I cannot underestimate her sense of admiration or affection for me. Many wives and husbands feel a lot of love towards their spouses but fail to express it nominally or substantially. Veturi Sundara Rama Murthy, a Telugu film lyricist, wrote hundreds of extraordinary songs appreciating beauties but I don’t know how much he did so towards his wife. Ilayaraja is a master of divine music. He created masterpieces to make Indian cinema an abode of excellence and heavenly joy. I don’t know if he created a few music notes to appreciate his wife. S P Bala Subrahmanyam sang and is singing classic songs for all of us Indians. I don’t know if he sang any song exclusively for his wife. Director Raja Mouli makes highly inspiring and touching Telugu feature films working hard like a mad man for any length of time even without finding time to shave his beard at times. I don’t know if he ever expressed his extraordinary sense of love to his wife. Life partners are close to us. We often don’t feel like doing something specially for them. We do many things for others but not for those who are sources of our energy and hope. We think they feel it naturally. Even if we feel like sharing that feeling, we fail words or acts. It is something we cannot express but only feel.

10. I like my son Anand and daughter Sankeerthana. They are considerably impressive in their looks. I kiss them and hug them often to express my sense of love for them because they accept it without questions, doubts and apprehensions. Sankeerthana is sum of inspiring beauty and softness right now for me compared to the other two, my son and wife. I should express more love and sensitivity towards my son and daughter spending more time with them and talking more with them. I am not doing it. I am behaving like a guest with them since I am an automated employee now. I think we can express our sense of love satisfactorily towards children and pets to much extent than towards others because they accept our expression positively and silently. I am not expressing my love towards my wife as deeply as I do towards my children because she is an adult. She has responsibilities, volatile moods and specific individuality. We don’t express our love much towards those, who have ability to interpret our love in some manner, depending on their mood or character. All wives and husbands are victims from this regard. Imagine my kissing and hugging all those beauties, whom I admire, just because I have no words to express to them. It would be considered immoral, illegal and avoidable from the perspectives of many creatures in a civilized society. We must express our love towards those only, who belong to us mostly. This is how adults remain victims always.

11. We saw an extraordinary painting in a foreign country drawn by an ordinary artist and put in a studio. We felt like sharing a few words of appreciation with him or her instantly. He or she was not there. We don’t have their address. We don’t know their language. We cannot write well. We may not go there again. It may not be there always. Nobody is bothered about our sensitive inner feelings of this sort except us. Often we feel this pain.

12. A boss came to our company recently. His salary and privileges are very high in comparison to ours. We soon understood that he or she is almost a worthless person. He or she is being treated very specially because of his or her closeness to the owner of that company. He or she is acting too much before us, insulting us through words or acts, directly or indirectly. We are bearing with him or her regularly considering our helplessness. In fact, our feelings towards her or his character are as follows, “Idiot. What do you know? Why are you insulting me daily like this? You are a loafer, nasty rogue and stupid fellow. When do you go away from here? I should kick your back. I should drag you on road until my energy permits. You know you are a worthless nut but why do you act differently?” Can any subordinate express his or her notions towards his or her boss this way in his or her lifetime while working in a business entity? Even our negative notions don’t find an expression in many events or circumstances of life or profession. We bear with them. We shun them when we go away from those, whom we hate for many reasons.

13. We are driving a new car for the first time, having bought it after a long struggle and pain. We are feeling excessive joy out of that experience then. One sat beside us for formality sake that morning. He is not close to us. We cannot share our experience of joy with him that time or with the vehicle directly. That feeling is intense and one that never repeats. How do we express it? How can we store it to feel in future? Many such valuable and highly important moments in our lives get lost like snow in the sun. We cannot recollect or regain them later.

14. A cute baby is crawling in the portion beside mine. My son, who recently entered six years of age, felt like playing with her. The mother of that baby does not like children of that age playing with her baby at all because the latter does not know how to handle babies. My son eagerly waited to play with her for many days but his desire never got fulfilled. He was always kept at a distance. Soon that family moved into another house far away from that place. My son could not forget that cute baby and the precious moments he desired to spend with her innocently. Even after years, those memories chased him. It’s pain created by him for no reason. This is an hypothesis. Innocent and ideal people are the worst victims in terms of expression of love towards others in this world. They wait for a suitable moment to do it, not knowing that such moments never occur. We have many such sad stories with us.

15. An old man is coming to our house regularly expecting something from us for his survival. Quite unfortunately, every time he comes to our house, we are not finding anything in our house to offer him. Soon we knew that he died in his village. We feel pain though he is not related to us. Every human being feels a sense of belongingness towards all those living around him but often fails to express it. Various circumstances block him from reaching his sense of love for the other some way. We suffer when we get the news of accidents and deaths because we love them. Can we ever express those feelings of pain to them personally in any manner? Never! There is much physical and psychological distance between them and us in this material world with many limitations but still we feel it.

16. There is a beauty just opposite my abode. Her parents talk with mine. My brothers talk with her brothers. She likes me a lot. I am ready to die for her. We are always looking at each other. We are counting every minute to find an occasion to meet. Such occasion never came. She got married and went away. Since then I have been suffering almost every day and night recalling those moments of separation and segregation. Their parents did not block our accessibility. My brothers never knew that I felt so towards her. In many events, others don’t realize that we are suffering silently for something or somebody. Admiration and affection bother us silently. We weave a web of psychic attachment with the other secretly. It always remains a secret. She died after some years. I too died after some more years. Nobody knew that a heavenly love story ran there between those creatures in those times. Many occurrences in this world do not find a place in written records of history. It’s a tradition of pains and sufferings in almost every civilization in every age. Pains and tragedies remained unknown to many forever.

17. One of our close friends committed suicide one night jumping off a bridge into a river. We read about it in a newspaper. We are not in touch with him for many years now. We remember him partially recollecting those moments of friendship at primary school. We suffer silently knowing about that death. We don’t be in touch with many of our well-wishers, relatives and friends for lack of time and due to pressures of our lives and professions. It does not mean that we are not in love with all of them. Psychologically they are all within us. We feel them quite often. We experience grief and a sense of loss when they disappear one day from this material world. We may not be able to access them physically but our mind does it silently. Pain has no expression in such contexts.

18. A social activist struggled a lot for the development of our region. We benefited and delighted a lot because of all that he did for all of us selflessly. He is very close to us. He cordially invites anybody that comes to his abode of social service. We have much time to go and greet him but we never did so. We always postponed practice of that good thought. One day he died of a heart attack. They are taking his dead body through our street. Excessive burden of remorse and pain engulfed our mind because he is no more alive to go and greet. We are crying in our house remembering the exemplary service he rendered to our place having come from a foreign country or a distant state. Nobody consoles or pities us then because we are suffering privately in our abode recalling a blunder we committed earlier. There are hundreds of idealists and thinkers around us struggling daily, intellectually or psychologically, for our welfare or happiness. We seldom or never express our sense of gratitude and appreciation to them. We are praising worthless politicians, nasty businessmen, selfish blokes and brainless rogues on many occasions for formality or helplessness sake but how many of us are really expressing our heart of goodness towards those that are building this society silently? No society or culture survives or spreads without the great efforts of a few always.

Expression is where we fail regularly. Many things, persons and incidents move us deeply. At times we cry silently thinking about quite unrelated things or persons. Our life is short and sensitive. The next moment is an imagination. God equipped us with everything we need to live as a creature of struggle and suffering. There are reasons to make us suffer and solutions to keep us happy getting away from them. There are people waiting to see and talk with us. We are thinking that they have no time or interest to spend with us.

There are extraordinary beauties of nature. They are craving our presence silently. We don’t need money always to make our life comfortable. It is enough if we can feel based on what is there before us. Expression makes us active and meaningful participants in the long and exciting drama of God. He gave us capabilities of expression. We are not using our voice, eyes or hands to express it somehow. Others don’t expect us to be extraordinary performers but just an honest and simple expression is also enough. Expression is many times stronger and valuable than that which remained as a feeling only within us. Feeling is ice. Expression is water. Both are necessary in the flow of life.

Expression is for beautifying our lives sharing the joy or pain of our existence with others somehow. Everybody has pain and joy in his or her life. Don’t feel that others are not expecting anything from you. Perhaps they must be waiting for something to hear from you. Express it as simply or as greatly as you can afford it based on your possibilities and circumstances. Expression is important in many contexts than the point of how it is expressed.

If you don’t express it today, he may not be there tomorrow in your access.

If you don’t express it at this very moment, she may not appear to you again.

If you fail to express it in this lifetime, he or she may not come into contact with you in the next lifetime of you.