MY PERSONAL DIARIES

I completed editing my personal diaries from 1995 to 2009 by 6:00 PM IST yesterday night. They are 15 diaries in total. I took about 2000 hours’ time to edit them in a span of one year in 2010 and 2011.

Word Count

1995 diary - 63,570

1996 diary - 63,243

1997 diary - 32,371

1998 diary - 55,468

1999 diary - 46,279

2000 diary - 45,631

2001 diary - 40,484

2002 diary - 85,575

2003 diary - 79,769

2004 diary - 92,124

2005 diary - 94,422

2006 diary - 98,398

2007 diary - 1, 01, 601

2008 diary - 1, 16, 744

2009 diary - 1, 05, 519

Minute Outline of Content

1995

This was the year when I started writing my personal diary. I wrote about my school education, second year Intermediate education and my love with Lakshmi of Ramayyapatnam in it. Lakshmi was a very beautiful girl. Their house was very close to our rented house in this village. Our love for one another started through looks from distance and continued that way for long. We were two innocent lovers admiring each other in hearts deeply but never trying to meet in person and talk something about it. Lakshmi was my influential goddess of heart.

1996

I met the father of Lakshmi, and told him about my intense admiration for his daughter and my deepest desire to marry her. He said that it was impossible considering our two different communities. He broke my heart with his unkind words with me that night. Her mother threw very insulting words at me. She treated me like a stray dog when I went to their house that night to talk with Lakshmi before them and clear this matter of my love with her. I was not successful in my two attempts in this regard. I stopped looking at Lakshmi and their house after this talk with her father and mother. Lakshmi got married with a boy of choice of her parents on 20, April 2006. I was very sad and disturbed about it. It was like taking my life from me. My second year Intermediate exams were over around this time. I wanted to join army immediately to get rid of this pain in my heart and also to escape from the financial problems at home. My father loved his money more than me. He did not give me enough money to spend during my course of Intermediate education. I joined Madras Engineering Group & Centre of the Indian Army, in Bengalore, as a garden boy, toward the end of this year but I did not like the atmosphere in this setting. I love liberty and nature. This place appeared like a prison to me.

1997

I wrote an inland letter to Brigadier R S Grewal, the head of this unit, requesting him to send me out of army as early as possible as I was unable to continue my life in that tough atmosphere. He ordered his subordinates to send me out within one week’s time with formalities. I was happy about it. I left the Indian Army in April as per their procedures of departure, with my educational certificates. I joined Gurajada Apparao Government Degree College at Elamanchili in Visakhapatnam district by July for my BA course of study. I was in my first year B.A. I was watching many Telugu films and English films in the four cinemas in this town. I was commuting by train to and from college. We were living in that rented house at Ramayyapatnam. I was hearing this and that about Lakshmi. She appeared to me now and then but I did not feel like looking at her like before. A married girl means someone to be kept away from my world of material love. I did not stop admiring her in my heart. Real love is a fatal and lifelong disease.

1998

I entered my second year B.A. by July this year. I passed my first year B.A. with first class marks. I found four girls in my class interesting but they did not express interest in any fellow in our class. I was short of money. I was eating little food items in hotels to fill my stomach during lunchtime. I was enjoying my life of degree college and daily train journeys.

1999

I passed my second year B.A. with first class marks. I entered my third year B.A. course by July this year. My three subjects of study were History, Economics and Politics. Our family moved to our own house in the nearby village Peda Gummuluru in the first quarter of this year from the rented house in village Ramayyapatnam. I came away from my goddess Lakshmi. Though I did not like to look at her or their house after her marriage, I did not stop hearing this and tha about her. She was going to the house of her in-laws in Narsipatnam and coming here to spend for a few days. Leaving this place, where I saw and admired a goddess in my heart, was the biggest loss to my life during this time. My association with Tirumala Express, Godavari Express and Bokaro-Alleppy Express was continuing between Narsipatnam Road and Elamanchili railway stations. I was in my last year of B.A. It was time for me to study well and complete B.A. I heard about the University of Hyderabad from somebody around this time. I participated in some essay writing competitions during these three years of B.A. and won one or two prizes. I went to New Delhi being funded by a voluntary organization in Anakapalle. I fell in love with Nupur Jain of LSR College during this tour. I wrote a 20-page letter to her expressing my sense of admiration for her beauty but there was never a reply from her. I did not know whether she received it or not. Rich girls study in this famous college in Delhi. I was not rich to impress her.

2000

I passed my B.A. with first class marks by July this year. I got place to pursue M.A. English Literature in the University of Hyderabad. I entered Department of English at HCU but I was much disturbed to compete with my classmates in terms of English language and literature. I was a Telugu medium student up to my B.A. I was somehow managing here struggling hard to clear my internal and semester-end exams. I was happy with my teaching faculty Pingali Sailaja, Sudhakar Marathe, Mohan G Ramanan, Hoshang Merchant, Narayana Chandran, Afeefa Banu, Syed Mujeebuddin, Sachidananda Mohanty, Alladi Uma and Murali Manohar. My father was giving me enough money. I had no financial problems here. I was enjoying my life in this beautiful campus. I did not find any girl in my class beautiful enough to be loved by me. I found my seniors lovable but I had not time or courage to run after them searching for love.

2001

I was enjoying my stay in Room No. 106 in Men’s Hostel ‘A’ along with Samanta Sahu and Ravi Kanchan Chatterjee. I fell in love with Lahari on 8 September, 2001, when she came to our “Freshers Welcome” party of our department. She was the kind of girl I was looking for to admire. Her inspiring beauty, lifestyle and voice made me a slave to her. I tried and became close to her. She was the sister of my classmate. I slowly knew that she was into films. She was trying to establish herself as an actress in Telugu films. I never wanted to run after a creature of film industry. I have no good opinion about them. I did not stop admiring Lahari even after knowing that she was into this field. I somehow argued with myself and continued in that path of love and passion for Lahari. She had very little time and interest to care for me. I did not mind it. I enjoyed her friendship. I took some photos of her. I presented a few gifts to her to express my sense of admiration and attachment for her. I told her that I would like to marry her. She did not discourage me directly from this idea. I wove more dreams around her in course of time.

2002

I came out of the University of Hyderabad by May with 58% marks in my M.A. English Literature certificate. I did not know what jobs suit me and how I should try for them. I was spending my time just like that. I was attracted towards the idea of going to Alaska for a fish packaging job, to earn about two lakh rupees a month, after seeing an ad in Telugu daily Eenadu. I thoroughly motivated my father to borrow 2, 40,000 rupees for this venture. The folks of MSR International were supposed to send me to Alaska. They took the aforesaid amount of money from us by the end of this year. They promised to send me to Alaska in the first quarter of 2003. I was eagerly waiting to go there and earn a lot of money fast. To marry a beauty, I need a lot of money. I cannot do it in India. So, I must go abroad to do any job and earn money. This was my dream in this year. My psychic and material attachment with Lahari ended on 8 September, 2002. I met her in her rented abode in Hyderabad for the last time on this date. I did not like her for some reasons. We remained aliens by the end of this year. It was exactly a love story of one year duration. I sent back everything representing her memories at me. I regretted it later. I interviewed her using a Walkman and took good photos of her out of my deep admiration for her. I wrote good pieces of admiration in Telugu for her. I should not have sent back everything to her because I consider them as precious pieces of writing for me even now.

2003

M S Raju of this private consultancy in Secunderabad did not send me to Alaska even by August this year. He delayed it for about eight months. I still thought that he would send me to Alaska. My folks did not like that venture anymore. He paid back much of our money on our insistence. My father lost about one lakh rupees in this venture to send me to Alaska. I could not go to Alaska for which I dreamed for long. I was very frustrated and disturbed thinking about it. I was trying for jobs staying in Hyderabad, mostly along with my friend Veeranjaneyulu, an artist. I joined ICFAI University Press, as a sub editor, at Punjagutta, on 10 December, 2003, at a monthly salary of 8,000 rupees. ICFAI saved me from a hell of psychic disturbances and pain. Ch Rajeshwar, its head then, saved my life. He selected me for this position after a written test and a two-minute interview soon after it. I think he selected me with the good impression he had about the students of University of Hyderabad. I was very happy with this job and this salary. I was staying at Kshatriya Seva Samithi Hostel at DD Colony by Shivam Road and daily commuting by bus to and from this office. My folks were happy about my getting a job in Hyderabad and living happily here. Indian parents cannot imagine their educated children beyond the achievement and association of a good job somewhere in this nation or abroad!

2004

I was enjoying my life in the company of folks of our Kshatriya community staying in our community hostel. They provide accommodation at very nominal costs. I saved a little money for a dream project of my life. I celebrated my birthday, on September 8, this year, well. I bought sweets spending about 1000 rupees and distributed them to all the employees in this press. I underwent rhenoplasty on this birthday of mine, at night, in Uniqare Hospital, at DD Colony, spending 25,000 rupees on it. I did not like the shape of my nose. Many hurt me pointing out that aspect of my look earlier. So, I beautified my nose, to some extent, spending my money, in this year. I felt blissful about it. I was good at Internet by this time. I was enjoying the presence of some beauties in this press. Jaya Israni was one of such girls, being inspired by the beauty and presence of whom, I wrote about 18 poems on different themes. She left this press soon. I was searching for another girl to admire because she created a void in my psyche. Sensitive love is a chronic psychic disease. Others cannot detect it easily unless they speak out about it and they never do it. I developed admiration for Deepthi after the departure of Jaya from this press by the end of this year. She neglected me like a nut. Perhaps she must have known that it was my habit to run after girls like a shameless dog! She kept me in distance in my sphere of psychic attachment also. Negligence from those sensitive creatures, whom we admire rationally or irrationally, further provokes us towards running after them. Some folks suffer from this psychic disorder, especially those who crave for love from others, when they are not getting it from their parents and close relatives. I did not leave Deepthi peacefully. I developed more and more admiration for her in my mind in course of time toward the end of this year. She did not know how to escape from me. There was no immediate threat either from me because I was not a psychopath but a silent, decent and patient admirer. She managed to sense it.

2005

I wrote a long love letter to Deepthi around February in this year. My friend Sriram, who worked as her colleague for some time in this press, warned me not to do such mad things but I ventured to do it. Deepthi is a cousin of Telugu film actor Chiranjeevi. She is very rich, educated and powerful girl. Fortunately she did not get me beaten after receiving this letter. She talked for two minutes one afternoon after receiving and reading the long letter sent by me. She stole my heart more than earlier through her power of English language and sensitivity for me during this short interaction. She told me that she was leaving this office soon. It made me more possessive about her. Earlier I ran after many girls but nobody had time or interest even to talk with me for some time. Deepthi consoled the psyche of a desperate one-side lover in my heart that day taking that initiative to talk with me for a while and clarify things. She left it in the first week of May. I cried for her many times. She visited me many times in my dreams and consoled me. I could not bear the atmosphere in this press after she quit it. I felt that she left it only to keep me balanced in this office but I became more imbalanced after she left me alone in this office. Psychic attachment is more dangerous and intense than physical sense of attachment and love. I sent about 65 emails to Deepthi a little before and after her departure from this office. I narrated sweet love stories to her in these emails making her a kid and myself her close friend in many of our previous births. She never replied. I did not mind it. I stopped this series of daily emails around the second week of July. I took a long leave of 100 days and went home to balance myself and come out of her intense psychic attachment. I joined it again in the first week of November. Swagata Gupta, an inspiring beauty of Kolkata, who joined this press a little after I left it on my leave, attracted my lovesick heart after Deepthi vacated it. I wrote a two-page love letter to her within four days after seeing her in this office. She gave it to our operations manager. He called me into his room and blasted me like anything. I did not stop admiring Swagata because I thought that she did so because of her innocence rather than cruelty or aversion to me as her colleague. In fact, she knew almost nothing about me by this time. I enjoyed her presence in this office a lot. Every morning I came early to this office and typed out some stories on my office computer, during my free time, to post them on my blog site and thus impress her somehow. My effort was to make her believe that I was not a bad boy. I thought that she was reading those stories knowing about my blog site through some folks in this office. She behaved very kindly towards me after this event. Somehow I was not happy with the idea of continuing in this press as a sub editor for long. I think it was mostly because I was hurt by the way Swagata handled my letter sent to her by post. I craved for talking with her for a few minutes at least. I admired her very deeply in my heart. I did not spend even one hour without thinking about her during this time. Deepthi and Swagata made me sad and creative this year.

2006

I gave three-month advance notice to the folks of this press and got ready to leave it formally. I left it on 10 April, 2006. I thought that Swagata would talk a little with me on this day at least. She did not do it. I cursed myself because I never liked to blame my goddesses (every girl I love) for anything they did towards me knowingly or unknowingly. The role of an admirer is to argue on behalf of his beloved in every way possible. I felt as if I was leaving a goddess in this office when going out of it on this day. I found that she was in love with me to much extent but she did not dare do anything more than that. I was happy with it to some extent but the reality that she never talked with me hurt me. I requested Sutapa Patnaik to somehow make me meet Swagata and allow me to talk a little with her, to console myself that way. I did not expect love or pity from her after leaving this office but my suffering was to see her again and talk with her for a few minutes. Sutapa treated me like an avoidable alien as soon as I left this office. She responded to me carelessly expressing her helplessness in this regard. I pitied myself. I could not get her phone number or email id even afterwards. It was the pain of a devotee to see his goddess once, nothing more than that. My love and admiration for all those girls whom I liked for some reason had been so but they never understood me from that perspective. They saw only dogs on roads. Perhaps they never thought that there may be some human beings also being ready to love them. Modern girls never understand good lovers and admirers like me but get entrapped by worthless blokes and cheats. Good character means not doing anything special to attract the other creature and thus gain his or her love at any cost. It is a silent suffering to be understood and loved by the other creature, one day, which may not happen any day. I suffered a lot after leaving this office with the thoughts and memories of Swagata. I knew that she too left it soon after I left it. I thought she did so being unable to bear that atmosphere beyond my presence. Swagata did a lot to express her sense of admiration for me in this office. I deeply enjoyed those moments and wrote stories for her to be grateful to her in this regard. Swagata inspired me to write about 15 short stories just like that by her presence around me. I often think that Deepthi and Swagata are luckier than me. I wrote sweet love stories for them but they did not present even a pack of chocolates to me. I suffered a lot as an admirer of girls in this year. I wanted to talk with them for some time. It remained impossible. I did not get any job after leaving this job because they found me as a useless fellow in terms of professional worth.

2007

I joined OMS3 Consulting, a start-up, as a content writer, by April this year. They saved me from my financial crisis and psychic pain. I worked at Jubilee Hills and Hyder Guda as part of my job with this firm for about six months. They told me to stay back for two hours every day and clear some pending work, which arose due to me here. Doing a job is just a part of my life. My disciplined and highly organized life gets disturbed if I stay back even for two hours on any day. I decided to quit this job within two hours that day. I was very short of money even then but my self-imposed life of discipline and authority compelled me to do so. I left a job of 20,000 rupees salary within minutes, in the first week of September. I saw some girls, brought by my parents, with the intention of arranged marriage, the only choice for me left out, after admiring many girls, but I did not find them beautiful enough to inspire me as a dreamer. I found Srijana very beautiful and inspiring during this crucial and testing time in my life as a bachelor. I saw her formally in November. My parents expected dowry and some other formalities for me from the bride party but the parents of Srijana were unable to afford those things. I deeply fell in love with Srijana after seeing her in their house formally. Perhaps, I thought, she is the beauty Lord Krishna made and sent for me, after making me run after many girls. We can understand the value of one butter candy when we miss many for years together as a lovesick child! Our marriage was finalized by the end of this year, when I was jobless. I told all of them, including my parents, that I was doing this job with this firm then, just to marry this girl, because they would discard me if they knew that I was jobless then. Girls want jobs, not boys!

2008

I joined Thoran Technologies as a content writer for 25,000 rupees a month, in February. Gouravaram Srinivasa Rao, the head of this firm, was like God for me then. He talked a little with me and told me to join it soon. There was no selection process at all. He was the first person in my life to love me and respect me as a little editor and content writer. I worked for nine months in this office. I committed some mistakes in this office, not being able to kill the creativity in me and desire to write something even in the office, which is not related to office work at all. He treated me like his brother. He never hurt me. He is one of the best persons I saw in my life in showering love upon me for no reason. I did almost nothing in this office useful for them as a content writer because they did not need a full-time writer at all. They paid me a lot of money and made me enjoy my initial stage of married life with Srijana during this highly testing time of my life after my marriage. I enjoyed the entry of Srijana into my life. I left this job by the end of October in this year because they did not have any work to assign me anymore. Thoran made my life bearable and blissful in this year. Srinivasa Rao impressed me deeply with his affection and care for me as his employee and even otherwise. He represented unconditional love in relation to me. He pulled me out of a hell of pains, disturbances and issues.

2009

I searched for jobs but economic depression kept me jobless for a few months. My economy deteriorated to the worst level by the middle of this year. I borrowed about one lakh rupees from my cousins to survive during this time. My father sold one acre of mango farm for me by the end of this year to save me from this hell. He suffered a lot to part from this land because he bought it sacrificing many things in his life around 1985. He saved my life in this year. I repaid to my cousins. Bought a computer, started editing my works on it and consulted Sunil K Poolani about the project of getting my first book published. My journey, towards being a published writer, was started by the end of this year. I decided not to do any job until the editing work of all my desired works would be over. I ordered others just to conform to this stand of me in this regard.

When Publishing

What you read above about my personal diaries is a speck of what I wrote in my diaries. I discussed my personal life, life in general, love, admiration, friendship, beauty, films, creativity, society, idealism, education, India, politics, spiritualism, religion and so many other things, which I cannot specify completely. One cannot understand others just by looking at them. My diaries made me edit and edit and edit them, keeping all other things aside, despite my financial burdens, because they were created by me once, to enlighten, educate and inspire me whenever I read them. Those interested in growing as great human beings must read them. I like to read them again and again once I get a little time for it because I spent all this time to edit them only. There is difference between editing and reading our works. Editor thinks and acts like an automated machine but not like a reader, considering the volume of work to be edited and finalized by him soon. I can enjoy their beauty and vitality when I read them peacefully. So, I want to publish them, even for others to read, sometime in future, based on the dictates of time. I am proud and blissful to chronicle my life and so many extraordinary thoughts and ideas this way in these diaries. You can understand what kind of discipline, thoughts, creativity, passion, devotion, patience are required to write a personal diary completely, every single day, even when nobody is bothered about it around you, including your parents, siblings and well-wishers. You must build a strong and beautiful dream today to awaken, educate and guide others tomorrow, even when you know that all those, for whom you are thinking and working today in your diary, do not care for you now at all. I pursued such great journey through these personal diaries.

Readers

Why should anybody read your personal diaries? Are you a celebrity or what? Nobody has time to read diaries of folks like you. This might be the attitude of many readers scanning this blog of mine. Such people find highly powerful answers to such common questions after reading my 1995 diary. Every other diary that follows it is unique and highly engaging for what and how I wrote in them about many things we humans feel like knowing and feeling about. One should read these diaries to benefit from that valuable treasure of thoughts, ideas, vision, insights and idealism but not to satisfy me. If you benefit 20% reading the content on my blog site, you would benefit 80% reading these personal diaries. If you get happiness reading my blogs, you would get bliss and vitality reading my personal diaries. If you are not interested in reading anything given on my blog site, perhaps you cannot enjoy reading my diaries also because you are not lucky enough to benefit from that wealth of knowledge and brightness. If you are born to live and die in darkness only, I cannot change your destiny. These diaries contain lofty ideas, thoughts and comments on many things associated with this world and humanity at large. Great people like reading them a lot and ordinary ones also get carried away by that highly influential flow and vitality of letters. It’s a journey meant for consoling and reorienting all toward bliss and brilliance.