VISITING CARD

I travelled in a reservation coach of Janmabhoomi Express on 7 February, 2011, from Tuni to Secunderabad, from 8:00 to 7:30, during daytime. My seat in its D-1 coach was 103, a window seat. I was returning to Hyderabad finishing a few pending things in our area being there for five days. My paternal uncle Narasimha Murthy Raju decided to come to Hyderabad along with me to meet one of his familiar folks here. He decided so in the night of 6 February, 2011. I could not get a seat reserved for him due to this reason. I offered my window seat to him in Tuni. I kept standing beside the exit door up to Tenali railway station. I was feeling bored because there was not even one beauty around me to entertain and inspire my eyes of love for beauty. This train reached Vijayawada station by 11:40. A beauty came and sat in seat 102 at this station when a woman vacated it here. I felt relieved and elated scanning her beauty and refined manners. She must be 20. She wore a Punjabi dress. Her face was beautiful and cute. Her eyes and looks were arresting. I thanked God for sending such beauty into my transitory garden of admiration.

My uncle told me to sit in my seat when this train was nearing Guntur railway station. His idea was to relieve me to that extent because I was standing for him till then. He entered this coach with his general ticket. The TTE could not provide him with a seat as all seats were reserved by others in advance. From this station onwards, he kept standing and sitting beside the exit door near my seat up to Secunderabad station. He was doing a duty to satisfy me to that extent allowing me to sit in my seat of the day.

I was sitting opposite this inspiring beauty. Our respective seats 102 and 103 are window seats. She was listening to something from her cellphone, inserting an end of her headphone into her ear; perhaps stored film songs or FM radio songs. She is a tender, sensitive and natural beauty. I sensed that she does not feel much proud of her physical beauty. She was looking out of the window for a little time and resting closing her eyes for some time. I got a farmer beside me. He must be 56. He is from Mandapeta in East Godavari district. He was bringing his daughter and another familiar fellow to Hyderabad to consult a specialist doctor. I kept talking with him. I know about many places and activities in this area because I am familiar with this district. We enjoyed this casual interaction in this train journey. An admirer of beauty like me gets compelled to talk with an inspiring beauty sitting before him in a bus or train. I too was experiencing such feelings and notions of a desperate fellow during this period of train journey. God creates such beauties to attract, inspire and educate folks like me.

I believe that educated Indian girls are more egoistic and nonsensical than uneducated ones; more so if they are beautiful and modern. I felt that this girl also belongs to such lot of Indian girls. I was enjoying her presence opposite me but I was unable to finalize on how to initiate a talk with her. I encountered the following questions in this respect. Generally many folks feel the same in such context!

1. What if she is such kind of a girl who does not like to talk with unfamiliar folks at all?

2. What if she reacts rudely if I talk something with her out of my love for her beauty?

3. What might be her real nature? How can I detect it during this little time?

4. She leaves me soon. How can I talk with her during this little time somehow?

5. I am not looking well now. She must have developed a bad impression about me due to it!

6. There are other folks also beside her. Does not she suspect my nature if I talk with her only?

My primary idea was to give my visiting card to her on which my name, profession, email id, cellphone number and blog site id are printed. I know that I cannot earn a beautiful friend using that little period of time in a train journey because I am not such a magician in terms of attracting others. Others take time to develop an impression about us. They must know something about us to do it. We get attracted toward others in journeys as this but quite often we fail to attract their attention or earn their friendship utilizing such short periods of time. We miss them forever if we lose that chance. We love them for some reason. They may not like us for some reasons. An idealist and admirer of beauty suffers so when he comes across such beauties in journeys. I was afraid to talk with her.

Initially I created an atmosphere before her whereby she can understand that I am not an abnormal fellow. I talked with that farmer beside me about many things related to agriculture, villages, cities, hospitals, doctors and politics in the contemporary India. She was partly sensing those things sitting opposite me passively. Perhaps my idea was to let her know about me a little this way at least!

After about two hours of intense contemplation, when this train was nearing Piduguralla or Miryalaguda station, I ventured to talk with her. I gently asked her in Telugu, “Meeru blogs chadhuvuthaaraa?” which means “Do you read blogs?” in English. She could not hear my words. She replied, “Sorry”. I repeated those words gently again. She used her sensitive facial expression to say that she does not do it at all. I felt hurt. She did not ask me anything. I put her question out of interest in her. She answered it formally for courtesy sake! She did not develop interest in me after this question also! She maintained status quo. I felt disappointed with her passive and formal answer to my question, which I could deliver after a lot of internal struggle. I already took two of my visiting cards from my bag below and put them in my pocket. My idea was to give her a visiting card if she says that she reads blogs. I could not give it to her because she could not detect my admiration for her through my proactive question to her. I felt “I am missing you forever. We remain as two aliens as soon as we get off this train in Secunderabad. Our relationship is transitory. My admiration for you is deep but you discarded it as shallow one. A dreamer cannot attract others on his own when others treat him as a negligible bloke. Your beauty inspired me but I could not reach that message to you. I am sad about it. I am helpless”.

I would give 65 marks for her beauty for 100. I felt it. She did not receive that feeling from me. She blocked a channel of communication through her negligence and carelessness towards me against my notions of attraction and admiration for her. A beautiful rose cannot receive its due appreciation from its gardeners (parents, relatives and close friends of a living person in this context) but from its visitors and admirers, who appear as unfamiliar and unbelievable ones to it. It must allow them to express their hearts to it through their words of love and admiration for it. If it does not do it, they cannot admire and appreciate it, which it enjoys really. When it searches for them later, after realizing their worth, in their absence, it remains as a futile endeavor. Others can only pity it. This beauty is like a rose in a garden for me. Srijana is a rose in my garden. I love other roses also in other gardens just like a nature lover loves many phenomena and occurrences in this world. Admiration is enjoyable and sublime. Neglecting or discarding admiration from others is avoidable. She discarded my admiration for her. A rose neglected its sensitive visitor when he was near the garden. Common sense about Indian girls got activated in me.

I wrote my first book with admiration for beauties in this world. I don’t know if beauties read it or not. My books sleep in some bookstores depending on the marketing network of my publisher. They stay there for some time. They send back to my publisher after a set period of time. Then, he sends them back to me. I created those stories being inspired by a beauty, who did not talk with me, for courtesy sake. I got this book published to reach my sense of admiration for her and such other beauties. Did they receive it or not? Did they enjoy reading my stories? I cannot understand it unless they communicate with me by email, phone or letter. They don’t do it because they think it is not necessary or because they don’t have time to do all that. This is how folks like me die slowly in their psyches in this material and superficial world now. They may feel a lot in their hearts but they don’t reach it to the supposed ones.

I would have asked this beauty to read my blogs if she took my visiting card, extending that talk, which I initiated. She did not do it because she took me as a worthless bloke. Many run after shallow celebrities in India. These celebrities run after more money, fame and false prestige. So, they don’t have time to interact with these creatures. I run after beauties like an innocent dog. Dog need not mean a creature of lust and crime but an animal of loyalty, dependability and honesty. I am loyal to beauties. They can depend on my goodness. I would be honest with them. They cannot understand such sensitive and cultured dogs unless they allow them to express their hearts to them somehow. There are many dogs like me in this world. Beauties should allow such dogs to bark at them and express their sense of admiration for them. This beauty must have understood me as a dog of lust and crime, which may attack her then or later, if she sends positive signals towards it. I came across many such girls in my life. I regret it.

We got off this train at Secunderabad railway station around 8:00 p.m. IST. She went her way. I moved in my direction. She belonged to me in my heart when I was sitting before her in this train. I too must have belonged to her during that time but she did not reveal it. I felt it and tried to reach that feeling to her. She might have thought that it is not necessary. I lost her forever. She neglected me just like that.

Girls are insecure and unhappy in India now. I think it is the case in almost every nation in this world. This is why they are remaining within their familiar circles of relationships and communication. They cannot interact with unfamiliar fellows. They cannot deal well with aliens. They build walls around them depending on the impressions and notions they develop after understanding the nature of some folks around them. They treat all boys and men as unreliable and avoidable creatures. This is why they are not enjoying their lives and professions. They cannot enjoy familiarity with their relatives and colleagues like honest appreciation or admiration from others.

How can I talk with an unfamiliar beauty if she treats me like an avoidable dog? How can beauties be admired and worshipped in this world if they block their ways of admiration and support from their unfamiliar well-wishers and admirers? I know about some beauties, who like to live as costly prostitutes to earn money and fame rather than looking for honest and reliable admiration and support from many good folks around them. They do business with their beauty when they are young. They suffer a lot internally when others stop approaching them for their beauty. Their assets cannot keep them happy. They fail to recognize, earn and retain real admirers and well-wishers when they are young.

There are many beauties in this world. Very few of them come across me in my lifetime. I may not try to talk with them for some reasons. They don’t mind me at all for many reasons. They run after fake attractions and unreliable creatures. I run after them in my thoughts and imaginations. All beauties die one day. All admirers also die another day. Such beauties are blessed, who are admired and served by admirers. Such admirers are lucky, who are understood, respected and served by those beauties, whom they admire for many reasons. Unfortunately, this is not happening in this world now. I think it never happens. Roses are drying up and dying in gardens. Their admirers are crying and dying in deserts of depression, passivity and gloom over the years. How mysterious and miserable the creation of God is?

I should let others know about me. I should try a little for it at my personal level if I love some people around me for some reasons. I tried to do it with this girl. She did not receive it. I could not succeed in it. She created an impression in me through her careless behavior towards me that day. My understanding about girls and women in this world gets affected to some extent being influenced by the nature and treatment of girls as this one. She did not intend to hurt me that way but I understand it like that. She was honest in her treatment towards me but I did not like it because I expected something different from it. What if she acted a little to satisfy me and took my visiting card? What if she threw that card later? Do we love honest ones or liars? Understanding human beings is very difficult at one go!

Insights

1. Believe that many are interested in you. You may not be good at attracting others to make your life beautiful but don’t miss such ones also who are coming your way on their own to beautify and delight your life. God creates many chances around you. You must utilize them. Nature delivers many fruits and flowers for you. You should go there and pick them. Enthusiasm and dynamism must be your assets.

2. If somebody is putting a question to you proactively, it does not mean that he is trying to test your general knowledge. He is interested in you. Extend that conversation and receive his words first. You may accept or reject him later, as a friend or otherwise. First you should allow him to express his heart. All are not running after you for marriage or love only. There are other kinds of people also, who enjoy your presence or character for some reasons. Do not miss them. Each of them is different from those you knew already. Your life won’t be thrilling and beautiful unless you are liberal and sociable. You should open the doors and windows of your psyche to let fresh air in. We all like surprises and mysteries more than history. This is why we are enjoying seeing films, listening to songs and reading books. Such mysteries and surprises may happen in your life also now and then. You must be capable and willing to deserve and delight in them. If you want to savor the joy of those occurrences in your life, you should not remain passive and dull. Closed doors do not allow fresh air and fragrance in.

3. Others may like something in you which you or your familiar ones did not like till now. Hope that many are there to love and appreciate you one day, even if many neglected and discarded you till now. If you check the lives of many admirable celebrities and achievers in this world, you would realize that “Achievements take time. Reliable admiration starts late and flows from others slowly. You must live decently and patiently to be admired and appreciated by others. First assess whether you are doing it at your level or not; living greatly”.

4. Intense attraction between opposite genders is a universal phenomenon. You need not worry about this characteristic in you. God or nature made us this way to keep this world beautiful and vibrant with our active presence and passionate actions in it. Attraction means intuitive madness for something or somebody within or beyond our access. Love those within your reach. Dream of those beyond your accessibility. Both are good for your body and mind. You should not assess the worth of all relationships from the standpoints of money, recognition and fame. There are other better things also but you are not trying to explore and enjoy them. It is your mistake, not that of others around you. If your boyfriend is bad, love the characters and lifestyles of the boyfriends of others around you. You should know how to beautify and strengthen your thoughts and vision investing very little money and a lot of imaginations and dreams. Inspiring imaginations and blissful dreams cost you a little. You can relax depending on them when many things and persons are bad and unreliable around you. Searching for the best is your duty. You must do it on your own always. Others have their burdens to handle. Don’t delegate these duties of your life to them. It means allowing others to create a hell for you. Be sensible to that extent!

5. We seek more happiness from those things, which are unreliable and inaccessible to us than those reliable and accessible for us. This is typical human tendency. We can be happier and comfortable at our level if we start recognizing the worth of accessible ones also now and then.

6. Rain does not occur when we want it. So, we must enjoy it when it falls as per its schedule. You might have missed a lot earlier due to your negligence or foolishness. Still there is time to reform yourself and improve the course of your life. Your interests and preferences are different. You must know how to satisfy them and be happy always, without disturbing others on the way. God gave you brain to guide you always. Use it always; not only for a few times in your lifetime.

7. There is much difference between theory and practice. My love for beauties is theory. How I am dealing with them in reality is practice. We cannot satisfy all our desires through practice always. Sometimes we must stop at theory level only. All humans are brutes in terms of their sexual tendencies and desires. We are living happily because 80% of the people around us are not putting this theory into practice in their lives to satisfy themselves. This is why we are not seeing dogs and bitches only in this world but dependable human beings also. Theories are standards you set for yourself. They develop you into an individual. If you practice bad theories, good folks recognize you as a dog or bitch. What you think and do decide what you are and how others treat you. You are your builder. Real estate companies build houses only for us, not our characters and psyches. It is our duty. Let us decide them and build them greatly. Great things happen slowly but last longer. This is universal truth.

8. Getting certificates, doing jobs and earning money is the work of a machine. There are many machines in this world now. Machines cannot enjoy their lives because they are born for work and money only but not for real happiness and achievements. You should decide whether you want to live and die as a machine or an achiever. Achievers do not spoil their lives or those of others. They utilize their time and energy to improve themselves always and help others on the way. They too die like us in time but they die after living differently from other contemporary shallow fellows. That admirable difference is the attraction of their characters. We should understand that difference and try to practice it at our level to be loved and admired by others. Shallow fellows love you crazily. Great folks love you logically.

I could not give my visiting card to her. Did she lose something or I?

I think I failed to earn a beautiful reader and friend. She failed to venture into novel frontiers of her life.

Sometimes, we miss some things just like that.

We must learn lessons, gain insights and improve our lives reforming ourselves continuously. Otherwise, there won’t be interesting pages in the books of our lives. Let’s realize this bitter truth and write them accordingly.  

MY PERSONAL DIARIES

I completed editing my personal diaries from 1995 to 2009 by 6:00 PM IST yesterday night. They are 15 diaries in total. I took about 2000 hours’ time to edit them in a span of one year in 2010 and 2011.

Word Count

1995 diary - 63,570

1996 diary - 63,243

1997 diary - 32,371

1998 diary - 55,468

1999 diary - 46,279

2000 diary - 45,631

2001 diary - 40,484

2002 diary - 85,575

2003 diary - 79,769

2004 diary - 92,124

2005 diary - 94,422

2006 diary - 98,398

2007 diary - 1, 01, 601

2008 diary - 1, 16, 744

2009 diary - 1, 05, 519

Minute Outline of Content

1995

This was the year when I started writing my personal diary. I wrote about my school education, second year Intermediate education and my love with Lakshmi of Ramayyapatnam in it. Lakshmi was a very beautiful girl. Their house was very close to our rented house in this village. Our love for one another started through looks from distance and continued that way for long. We were two innocent lovers admiring each other in hearts deeply but never trying to meet in person and talk something about it. Lakshmi was my influential goddess of heart.

1996

I met the father of Lakshmi, and told him about my intense admiration for his daughter and my deepest desire to marry her. He said that it was impossible considering our two different communities. He broke my heart with his unkind words with me that night. Her mother threw very insulting words at me. She treated me like a stray dog when I went to their house that night to talk with Lakshmi before them and clear this matter of my love with her. I was not successful in my two attempts in this regard. I stopped looking at Lakshmi and their house after this talk with her father and mother. Lakshmi got married with a boy of choice of her parents on 20, April 2006. I was very sad and disturbed about it. It was like taking my life from me. My second year Intermediate exams were over around this time. I wanted to join army immediately to get rid of this pain in my heart and also to escape from the financial problems at home. My father loved his money more than me. He did not give me enough money to spend during my course of Intermediate education. I joined Madras Engineering Group & Centre of the Indian Army, in Bengalore, as a garden boy, toward the end of this year but I did not like the atmosphere in this setting. I love liberty and nature. This place appeared like a prison to me.

1997

I wrote an inland letter to Brigadier R S Grewal, the head of this unit, requesting him to send me out of army as early as possible as I was unable to continue my life in that tough atmosphere. He ordered his subordinates to send me out within one week’s time with formalities. I was happy about it. I left the Indian Army in April as per their procedures of departure, with my educational certificates. I joined Gurajada Apparao Government Degree College at Elamanchili in Visakhapatnam district by July for my BA course of study. I was in my first year B.A. I was watching many Telugu films and English films in the four cinemas in this town. I was commuting by train to and from college. We were living in that rented house at Ramayyapatnam. I was hearing this and that about Lakshmi. She appeared to me now and then but I did not feel like looking at her like before. A married girl means someone to be kept away from my world of material love. I did not stop admiring her in my heart. Real love is a fatal and lifelong disease.

1998

I entered my second year B.A. by July this year. I passed my first year B.A. with first class marks. I found four girls in my class interesting but they did not express interest in any fellow in our class. I was short of money. I was eating little food items in hotels to fill my stomach during lunchtime. I was enjoying my life of degree college and daily train journeys.

1999

I passed my second year B.A. with first class marks. I entered my third year B.A. course by July this year. My three subjects of study were History, Economics and Politics. Our family moved to our own house in the nearby village Peda Gummuluru in the first quarter of this year from the rented house in village Ramayyapatnam. I came away from my goddess Lakshmi. Though I did not like to look at her or their house after her marriage, I did not stop hearing this and tha about her. She was going to the house of her in-laws in Narsipatnam and coming here to spend for a few days. Leaving this place, where I saw and admired a goddess in my heart, was the biggest loss to my life during this time. My association with Tirumala Express, Godavari Express and Bokaro-Alleppy Express was continuing between Narsipatnam Road and Elamanchili railway stations. I was in my last year of B.A. It was time for me to study well and complete B.A. I heard about the University of Hyderabad from somebody around this time. I participated in some essay writing competitions during these three years of B.A. and won one or two prizes. I went to New Delhi being funded by a voluntary organization in Anakapalle. I fell in love with Nupur Jain of LSR College during this tour. I wrote a 20-page letter to her expressing my sense of admiration for her beauty but there was never a reply from her. I did not know whether she received it or not. Rich girls study in this famous college in Delhi. I was not rich to impress her.

2000

I passed my B.A. with first class marks by July this year. I got place to pursue M.A. English Literature in the University of Hyderabad. I entered Department of English at HCU but I was much disturbed to compete with my classmates in terms of English language and literature. I was a Telugu medium student up to my B.A. I was somehow managing here struggling hard to clear my internal and semester-end exams. I was happy with my teaching faculty Pingali Sailaja, Sudhakar Marathe, Mohan G Ramanan, Hoshang Merchant, Narayana Chandran, Afeefa Banu, Syed Mujeebuddin, Sachidananda Mohanty, Alladi Uma and Murali Manohar. My father was giving me enough money. I had no financial problems here. I was enjoying my life in this beautiful campus. I did not find any girl in my class beautiful enough to be loved by me. I found my seniors lovable but I had not time or courage to run after them searching for love.

2001

I was enjoying my stay in Room No. 106 in Men’s Hostel ‘A’ along with Samanta Sahu and Ravi Kanchan Chatterjee. I fell in love with Lahari on 8 September, 2001, when she came to our “Freshers Welcome” party of our department. She was the kind of girl I was looking for to admire. Her inspiring beauty, lifestyle and voice made me a slave to her. I tried and became close to her. She was the sister of my classmate. I slowly knew that she was into films. She was trying to establish herself as an actress in Telugu films. I never wanted to run after a creature of film industry. I have no good opinion about them. I did not stop admiring Lahari even after knowing that she was into this field. I somehow argued with myself and continued in that path of love and passion for Lahari. She had very little time and interest to care for me. I did not mind it. I enjoyed her friendship. I took some photos of her. I presented a few gifts to her to express my sense of admiration and attachment for her. I told her that I would like to marry her. She did not discourage me directly from this idea. I wove more dreams around her in course of time.

2002

I came out of the University of Hyderabad by May with 58% marks in my M.A. English Literature certificate. I did not know what jobs suit me and how I should try for them. I was spending my time just like that. I was attracted towards the idea of going to Alaska for a fish packaging job, to earn about two lakh rupees a month, after seeing an ad in Telugu daily Eenadu. I thoroughly motivated my father to borrow 2, 40,000 rupees for this venture. The folks of MSR International were supposed to send me to Alaska. They took the aforesaid amount of money from us by the end of this year. They promised to send me to Alaska in the first quarter of 2003. I was eagerly waiting to go there and earn a lot of money fast. To marry a beauty, I need a lot of money. I cannot do it in India. So, I must go abroad to do any job and earn money. This was my dream in this year. My psychic and material attachment with Lahari ended on 8 September, 2002. I met her in her rented abode in Hyderabad for the last time on this date. I did not like her for some reasons. We remained aliens by the end of this year. It was exactly a love story of one year duration. I sent back everything representing her memories at me. I regretted it later. I interviewed her using a Walkman and took good photos of her out of my deep admiration for her. I wrote good pieces of admiration in Telugu for her. I should not have sent back everything to her because I consider them as precious pieces of writing for me even now.

2003

M S Raju of this private consultancy in Secunderabad did not send me to Alaska even by August this year. He delayed it for about eight months. I still thought that he would send me to Alaska. My folks did not like that venture anymore. He paid back much of our money on our insistence. My father lost about one lakh rupees in this venture to send me to Alaska. I could not go to Alaska for which I dreamed for long. I was very frustrated and disturbed thinking about it. I was trying for jobs staying in Hyderabad, mostly along with my friend Veeranjaneyulu, an artist. I joined ICFAI University Press, as a sub editor, at Punjagutta, on 10 December, 2003, at a monthly salary of 8,000 rupees. ICFAI saved me from a hell of psychic disturbances and pain. Ch Rajeshwar, its head then, saved my life. He selected me for this position after a written test and a two-minute interview soon after it. I think he selected me with the good impression he had about the students of University of Hyderabad. I was very happy with this job and this salary. I was staying at Kshatriya Seva Samithi Hostel at DD Colony by Shivam Road and daily commuting by bus to and from this office. My folks were happy about my getting a job in Hyderabad and living happily here. Indian parents cannot imagine their educated children beyond the achievement and association of a good job somewhere in this nation or abroad!

2004

I was enjoying my life in the company of folks of our Kshatriya community staying in our community hostel. They provide accommodation at very nominal costs. I saved a little money for a dream project of my life. I celebrated my birthday, on September 8, this year, well. I bought sweets spending about 1000 rupees and distributed them to all the employees in this press. I underwent rhenoplasty on this birthday of mine, at night, in Uniqare Hospital, at DD Colony, spending 25,000 rupees on it. I did not like the shape of my nose. Many hurt me pointing out that aspect of my look earlier. So, I beautified my nose, to some extent, spending my money, in this year. I felt blissful about it. I was good at Internet by this time. I was enjoying the presence of some beauties in this press. Jaya Israni was one of such girls, being inspired by the beauty and presence of whom, I wrote about 18 poems on different themes. She left this press soon. I was searching for another girl to admire because she created a void in my psyche. Sensitive love is a chronic psychic disease. Others cannot detect it easily unless they speak out about it and they never do it. I developed admiration for Deepthi after the departure of Jaya from this press by the end of this year. She neglected me like a nut. Perhaps she must have known that it was my habit to run after girls like a shameless dog! She kept me in distance in my sphere of psychic attachment also. Negligence from those sensitive creatures, whom we admire rationally or irrationally, further provokes us towards running after them. Some folks suffer from this psychic disorder, especially those who crave for love from others, when they are not getting it from their parents and close relatives. I did not leave Deepthi peacefully. I developed more and more admiration for her in my mind in course of time toward the end of this year. She did not know how to escape from me. There was no immediate threat either from me because I was not a psychopath but a silent, decent and patient admirer. She managed to sense it.

2005

I wrote a long love letter to Deepthi around February in this year. My friend Sriram, who worked as her colleague for some time in this press, warned me not to do such mad things but I ventured to do it. Deepthi is a cousin of Telugu film actor Chiranjeevi. She is very rich, educated and powerful girl. Fortunately she did not get me beaten after receiving this letter. She talked for two minutes one afternoon after receiving and reading the long letter sent by me. She stole my heart more than earlier through her power of English language and sensitivity for me during this short interaction. She told me that she was leaving this office soon. It made me more possessive about her. Earlier I ran after many girls but nobody had time or interest even to talk with me for some time. Deepthi consoled the psyche of a desperate one-side lover in my heart that day taking that initiative to talk with me for a while and clarify things. She left it in the first week of May. I cried for her many times. She visited me many times in my dreams and consoled me. I could not bear the atmosphere in this press after she quit it. I felt that she left it only to keep me balanced in this office but I became more imbalanced after she left me alone in this office. Psychic attachment is more dangerous and intense than physical sense of attachment and love. I sent about 65 emails to Deepthi a little before and after her departure from this office. I narrated sweet love stories to her in these emails making her a kid and myself her close friend in many of our previous births. She never replied. I did not mind it. I stopped this series of daily emails around the second week of July. I took a long leave of 100 days and went home to balance myself and come out of her intense psychic attachment. I joined it again in the first week of November. Swagata Gupta, an inspiring beauty of Kolkata, who joined this press a little after I left it on my leave, attracted my lovesick heart after Deepthi vacated it. I wrote a two-page love letter to her within four days after seeing her in this office. She gave it to our operations manager. He called me into his room and blasted me like anything. I did not stop admiring Swagata because I thought that she did so because of her innocence rather than cruelty or aversion to me as her colleague. In fact, she knew almost nothing about me by this time. I enjoyed her presence in this office a lot. Every morning I came early to this office and typed out some stories on my office computer, during my free time, to post them on my blog site and thus impress her somehow. My effort was to make her believe that I was not a bad boy. I thought that she was reading those stories knowing about my blog site through some folks in this office. She behaved very kindly towards me after this event. Somehow I was not happy with the idea of continuing in this press as a sub editor for long. I think it was mostly because I was hurt by the way Swagata handled my letter sent to her by post. I craved for talking with her for a few minutes at least. I admired her very deeply in my heart. I did not spend even one hour without thinking about her during this time. Deepthi and Swagata made me sad and creative this year.

2006

I gave three-month advance notice to the folks of this press and got ready to leave it formally. I left it on 10 April, 2006. I thought that Swagata would talk a little with me on this day at least. She did not do it. I cursed myself because I never liked to blame my goddesses (every girl I love) for anything they did towards me knowingly or unknowingly. The role of an admirer is to argue on behalf of his beloved in every way possible. I felt as if I was leaving a goddess in this office when going out of it on this day. I found that she was in love with me to much extent but she did not dare do anything more than that. I was happy with it to some extent but the reality that she never talked with me hurt me. I requested Sutapa Patnaik to somehow make me meet Swagata and allow me to talk a little with her, to console myself that way. I did not expect love or pity from her after leaving this office but my suffering was to see her again and talk with her for a few minutes. Sutapa treated me like an avoidable alien as soon as I left this office. She responded to me carelessly expressing her helplessness in this regard. I pitied myself. I could not get her phone number or email id even afterwards. It was the pain of a devotee to see his goddess once, nothing more than that. My love and admiration for all those girls whom I liked for some reason had been so but they never understood me from that perspective. They saw only dogs on roads. Perhaps they never thought that there may be some human beings also being ready to love them. Modern girls never understand good lovers and admirers like me but get entrapped by worthless blokes and cheats. Good character means not doing anything special to attract the other creature and thus gain his or her love at any cost. It is a silent suffering to be understood and loved by the other creature, one day, which may not happen any day. I suffered a lot after leaving this office with the thoughts and memories of Swagata. I knew that she too left it soon after I left it. I thought she did so being unable to bear that atmosphere beyond my presence. Swagata did a lot to express her sense of admiration for me in this office. I deeply enjoyed those moments and wrote stories for her to be grateful to her in this regard. Swagata inspired me to write about 15 short stories just like that by her presence around me. I often think that Deepthi and Swagata are luckier than me. I wrote sweet love stories for them but they did not present even a pack of chocolates to me. I suffered a lot as an admirer of girls in this year. I wanted to talk with them for some time. It remained impossible. I did not get any job after leaving this job because they found me as a useless fellow in terms of professional worth.

2007

I joined OMS3 Consulting, a start-up, as a content writer, by April this year. They saved me from my financial crisis and psychic pain. I worked at Jubilee Hills and Hyder Guda as part of my job with this firm for about six months. They told me to stay back for two hours every day and clear some pending work, which arose due to me here. Doing a job is just a part of my life. My disciplined and highly organized life gets disturbed if I stay back even for two hours on any day. I decided to quit this job within two hours that day. I was very short of money even then but my self-imposed life of discipline and authority compelled me to do so. I left a job of 20,000 rupees salary within minutes, in the first week of September. I saw some girls, brought by my parents, with the intention of arranged marriage, the only choice for me left out, after admiring many girls, but I did not find them beautiful enough to inspire me as a dreamer. I found Srijana very beautiful and inspiring during this crucial and testing time in my life as a bachelor. I saw her formally in November. My parents expected dowry and some other formalities for me from the bride party but the parents of Srijana were unable to afford those things. I deeply fell in love with Srijana after seeing her in their house formally. Perhaps, I thought, she is the beauty Lord Krishna made and sent for me, after making me run after many girls. We can understand the value of one butter candy when we miss many for years together as a lovesick child! Our marriage was finalized by the end of this year, when I was jobless. I told all of them, including my parents, that I was doing this job with this firm then, just to marry this girl, because they would discard me if they knew that I was jobless then. Girls want jobs, not boys!

2008

I joined Thoran Technologies as a content writer for 25,000 rupees a month, in February. Gouravaram Srinivasa Rao, the head of this firm, was like God for me then. He talked a little with me and told me to join it soon. There was no selection process at all. He was the first person in my life to love me and respect me as a little editor and content writer. I worked for nine months in this office. I committed some mistakes in this office, not being able to kill the creativity in me and desire to write something even in the office, which is not related to office work at all. He treated me like his brother. He never hurt me. He is one of the best persons I saw in my life in showering love upon me for no reason. I did almost nothing in this office useful for them as a content writer because they did not need a full-time writer at all. They paid me a lot of money and made me enjoy my initial stage of married life with Srijana during this highly testing time of my life after my marriage. I enjoyed the entry of Srijana into my life. I left this job by the end of October in this year because they did not have any work to assign me anymore. Thoran made my life bearable and blissful in this year. Srinivasa Rao impressed me deeply with his affection and care for me as his employee and even otherwise. He represented unconditional love in relation to me. He pulled me out of a hell of pains, disturbances and issues.

2009

I searched for jobs but economic depression kept me jobless for a few months. My economy deteriorated to the worst level by the middle of this year. I borrowed about one lakh rupees from my cousins to survive during this time. My father sold one acre of mango farm for me by the end of this year to save me from this hell. He suffered a lot to part from this land because he bought it sacrificing many things in his life around 1985. He saved my life in this year. I repaid to my cousins. Bought a computer, started editing my works on it and consulted Sunil K Poolani about the project of getting my first book published. My journey, towards being a published writer, was started by the end of this year. I decided not to do any job until the editing work of all my desired works would be over. I ordered others just to conform to this stand of me in this regard.

When Publishing

What you read above about my personal diaries is a speck of what I wrote in my diaries. I discussed my personal life, life in general, love, admiration, friendship, beauty, films, creativity, society, idealism, education, India, politics, spiritualism, religion and so many other things, which I cannot specify completely. One cannot understand others just by looking at them. My diaries made me edit and edit and edit them, keeping all other things aside, despite my financial burdens, because they were created by me once, to enlighten, educate and inspire me whenever I read them. Those interested in growing as great human beings must read them. I like to read them again and again once I get a little time for it because I spent all this time to edit them only. There is difference between editing and reading our works. Editor thinks and acts like an automated machine but not like a reader, considering the volume of work to be edited and finalized by him soon. I can enjoy their beauty and vitality when I read them peacefully. So, I want to publish them, even for others to read, sometime in future, based on the dictates of time. I am proud and blissful to chronicle my life and so many extraordinary thoughts and ideas this way in these diaries. You can understand what kind of discipline, thoughts, creativity, passion, devotion, patience are required to write a personal diary completely, every single day, even when nobody is bothered about it around you, including your parents, siblings and well-wishers. You must build a strong and beautiful dream today to awaken, educate and guide others tomorrow, even when you know that all those, for whom you are thinking and working today in your diary, do not care for you now at all. I pursued such great journey through these personal diaries.

Readers

Why should anybody read your personal diaries? Are you a celebrity or what? Nobody has time to read diaries of folks like you. This might be the attitude of many readers scanning this blog of mine. Such people find highly powerful answers to such common questions after reading my 1995 diary. Every other diary that follows it is unique and highly engaging for what and how I wrote in them about many things we humans feel like knowing and feeling about. One should read these diaries to benefit from that valuable treasure of thoughts, ideas, vision, insights and idealism but not to satisfy me. If you benefit 20% reading the content on my blog site, you would benefit 80% reading these personal diaries. If you get happiness reading my blogs, you would get bliss and vitality reading my personal diaries. If you are not interested in reading anything given on my blog site, perhaps you cannot enjoy reading my diaries also because you are not lucky enough to benefit from that wealth of knowledge and brightness. If you are born to live and die in darkness only, I cannot change your destiny. These diaries contain lofty ideas, thoughts and comments on many things associated with this world and humanity at large. Great people like reading them a lot and ordinary ones also get carried away by that highly influential flow and vitality of letters. It’s a journey meant for consoling and reorienting all toward bliss and brilliance.

LETTER TO READER'S DIGEST

21 January 2011

From

Datla Chiranjeevi Raju,

A/C. No. 0-010-674-793-4,

H.No. 6-5-33, Self Finance Colony,

Vanasthalipuram, Hyderabad – 500 070.

Andhra Pradesh.

To

P Poonegar,

Finance Director,

Reader’s Digest, India.

Dear gentleman,

I am one of the victims of your promotional material related to ‘Reader’s Digest 1 Crore Rupees Sweepstakes’. I think I subscribed to your Reader’s Digest magazine sometime around April 2010 with the realization that it is a good English magazine. I was so confused with your marketing and postal communication that I paid money twice for it. So, I have been receiving two copies of this magazine every month since then. This is the first part of this story.

Your marketing folks kept sending me envelope after envelope thereafter. There were many letters and sweepstakes related documents in them. In every letter they sent me, they were informing me that I would get a lot of cash or other attractive prizes, very soon, if I would be a winner of those prize draws. They inform me to buy some books and other gadgets along with these sweet letters. What one can easily understand after reading all this promotional material of you is that ‘if one does not buy one or many of those items being sold by you, one may not be considered as a potential candidate to win any of these prizes’. They send two reply envelopes in each pack of material. One of them is ‘Yes’ labeled envelope and the other is ‘No’ labeled one. If I have to send them ‘Yes’ envelope, I have to buy a book or other item from them. I need not affix postal stamps on ‘Yes’ labeled envelopes. If I am sending them ‘No’ labeled envelope, I need to affix required postal stamps on it. Though they write in their promotion material related documents and letters that one would be considered eligible for all their prizes, even if one does not buy any of their products, one can easily understand that ‘No’ labeled reply envelopes from their subscribers would be thrown into a dustbin by their staff there. One can understand it because you are expecting your subscribers to affix postal stamps on ‘No’ labeled reply envelopes. It means that you are not interested to spend even 10 rupees for such blokes.

Since I am a sensible and intelligent guy to some extent, because I wanted to win one of these prizes, because I knew that you would not consider me as an eligible bloke to those prize draws if I do not buy any of your books or other items, I kept buying some books to satisfy you this way. You never stopped sending me this promotional material. Since I was afraid that you would not keep my account number in your draw later, if I don’t buy those items offered for sale by you through VPP, I bought about four books spending about 4000 rupees. I agree that all those books are very useful for any educated and refined fellow in this world but I am not happy with the manner in which you are making me forced to buy those books, one after one, indirectly frightening me that I would not win any of those prizes if I do not buy your products on and on and on.

You deteriorated to the level of a ‘brothel owner’ in this regard. Reader’s Digest monthly magazine is your prostitute. I paid a little money for it being attracted by its beauty and quality. This was my first step into your brothel. Then, I paid for another subscription copy of Reader’s Digest because your first prostitute already confused and irritated me. Thereafter, I kept on running after your other prostitutes also because you compelled me to buy them one after one to win some final prostitute, I mean one of your great cash and other kinds of prizes, for which you may hold a final draw sometime in my lifetime. You print that part of information in very small letters!

I think that I am one of very intelligent, ideal and visionary Indians now, living in India. You attracted me also into your brothel and kept torturing me like anything during the last six months or so. Is it fair on your part?

You did not stop sending me your promotional material even in 2011. Earlier I thought that you would hold those specified sweepstakes prize draws sometime around January or February in 2011 and inform me soon stating that I won one of them. Money makes many things. You are offering these prizes to some folks of India, if they buy your monthly magazine first and so many other things thereafter. Any subscriber of Reader’s Digest feels much disturbed and frustrated to read and respond to your extensive and continuous promotional material. In the latest pack of promotional material you sent me, you informed me that those draws would be conducted sometime by the end of 2011 or the middle of 2012. What I did not understand is “When do you hold these draws at all for 2010 or 2011? How long should I run after your prostitutes (buying your books and other items) to win any of these prizes?

If anybody related to the Reader’s Digest management, in any part of the world, believes that he or she is educating or entertaining many readers across the world through Reader’s Digest, I believe that I should educate him or her about standards and values as a ‘business entity’ because you came away from that path long ago. That is why I am compelled to write this violent letter to you. You tested my goodness and patience levels to that extent!

We buy books and read them for pleasure, education or entertainment, when we are happy and comfortable in terms of fulfillment of our basic needs like food, clothes and shelter. Many Indians have no these basic amenities also now. I have been experiencing similar phases of life, during the last two years, being engaged in some important works as a person at my level, to establish myself as an admirable fellow in my chosen field of dreams. I paid for some of your books experiencing a lot of stress and strain because you made me so through your promotional material. I will die 10 years before my destined time of mortal departure, if many folks like you subject me to this kind of odd business practices. It means your business values are aimed at torturing and killing people like me slowly.

I am so busy and engaged in my personal life now that I don’t have time, interest or money to file a suit against you in the Supreme Court of India. Many of your subscribers must be in a position like me. So, they are not reaching their sense of frustration and fury to you like me about this facet of your business with books. I know that all the books you are proposing to sell us, as part of this promotion business, are very valuable and useful to all but the way you are making them buy those books is not good. You can give huge cash and other great prizes to lucky winners even without subjecting them to this kind of torture through your endless postal promotion material. You know how to do it because it is the work of a kindergarten kid. Better late than never! Time and tide wait for none!

Your folks sent me many emails informing me to subscribe to this magazine. When I filled one such online form; my slow death as your esteemed subscriber started. They did not stop sending me those emails even after I subscribed to two of your magazines. This is how you are promoting Reader’s Digest in India now. If you are not shameful about it, I should advise you to consult a psychiatrist or go to a mental asylum on your own without the involvement of a doctor in your case. This letter must be read by Aroon Purie, Ashish Bagga, Mohan Sivanand and Vikas Malhotra also because all these higher level folks of this magazine are doing such book business in India in this regard. They must spend some time with a few humanitarians, idealists, visionaries and patriots of this nation to know a little on how to do business understanding and following ethics. They are not teaching them in IIMs and IITs now.

If you have capacity and authority to sue me, depending on this kind of letter from me, I will be blissful and proud to come to any court of law in India and educate those judges also a little on the way regarding what they are doing now and what they must do in future to save India from folks like you. This is my level of intelligence and vision now.

I posted this letter on my blog site at http://virahini.blogspot.com because many want to read my letters also there. You can inform the top level executives of Reader’s Digest, across the world, to read this letter on my blog site. I reduced your stress and strain to this extent. This is how one should educate and entertain others, with a little effort and investment only. The folks of Google gave me huge free space on Blogger. I too educate and entertain many through this platform. I presume my promotion policies are better than those of Reader’s Digest.

As an idealist, my primary duty is to love all to some extent, without resorting to terrorism, extremism and sadism. This is why I wrote this letter to you. Many cannot do it like me. Don’t make them into patients and terrorists.

Jai Hind!

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This letter was posted on 21 January, 2011, to P Poonegar, Finance Director, Reader's Digest BHE (I) Pvt.Ltd., Post Box No. 1756, Mumbai GPO, Mumbai - 400 001.

SRIJANA BIRTHDAY-MY MEMENTO

I write a few lines in Telugu and get a memento developed with my taste and under my guidance to present to my wife Srijana Devi on her every birthday, which falls on 9 January.

So far I presented three mementos to Srijana in 2008, 2009 and 2010. This is what I presented to her in 2011.

Those that can read and understand Telugu are blessed in this regard. Rest remain helpless.