ANAND SAGAR VARMA

                                                                   

1. When I saw Srijana formally along with my parents and relatives to confirm our intention of marriage with the elders of that side, my promise to them was that I do not disturb her course of education. Then she was pursuing her first year B.Sc. in English medium at a private degree college in Tuni.

2. Srijana took her annual exams within four days after our marriage. When results were out, it was known that she failed in Physics. I brought her to Hyderabad for continuing her education. She joined Kasturba Gandhi College for Women at West Marredpally. She did not like the standards and values at work in this college. In my words, it is one of the average colleges in the twin cities. Its staff is corrupt. Its students are undisciplined. Many of them come to this college for enjoyment, not for education. Teaching faculty is more interested in salaries than imparting classic education to students to keep up the name of the college. She daily walked to that college from our rented abode at Kakaguda, covering about two kilometers. I enjoyed her going to college. She took the Physics exam conducted by Osmania University. This time also she failed in that subject. I did not regret or enjoy it. Pass and fail in exams are negligible. Various factors decide it, not just the ability and preparation of a student.

3. In November or so, in 2008, she discovered, after consulting a doctor at a nursing home by her college, and undergoing a nominal test there, that she was pregnant. It was against our plan. Our earlier idea was to beget children after five years, after she completes her post-graduation in her desired subject. Abortion was the way out. I consulted a homeopathy doctor for advice. She said that abortion is a wrong thing and it should be avoided. It is better to take it. She did not take even one rupee from me. It is just a casual advice from her to me, an unfamiliar fellow with a simple look. I appreciated her personality and professional ethics internally. I believe in God, Lord Krishna in particular though I don’t go to His temples. I am not an actor but His devotee. He never asked me to come to His temple. I also believe that souls choose where to born. Perhaps a soul chose us as its parents and so it entered the body of Srijana. It is the chosen schedule of that soul about which we don’t know anything. Srijana or I do not have rights to go against that order of God. We are just automated role players. I could convince Srijana to go with it with a few words. She did not go to college when the entity in her body was growing. It is the right thing a mother is supposed to do. Many can study and get certificates but all can’t give birth to children and keep this world beautiful and vivacious with their presence and activities.

4. I collected about five years ago (before my marriage) a paper cutting from the Telugu daily Eenadu explaining the process of pregnancy and growth of an entity in the womb of its mother with pictures. I gave it to Srijana. After reading it, one finds pregnancy and giving birth to children a very simple and ordinary matter. It briefly explains developments and symptoms that take place during the nine months of pregnancy a woman undergoes. I got her checked up frequently like any educated fellow of our times is supposed to do. God nourishes and develops a baby while in its mother’s womb but we fussy mortals do this and that out of our curiosity. Our forefathers begot dozens of children when medical facilities were very poor and brought them up greatly. Today we are struggling even to beget one or two children and bring them up properly because we are interested more in our comforts and happiness than anything else. We are making our lives more sophisticated and vulnerable with our thoughts and acts. When this entity was six months old in womb, we knew that it was going to be a male baby. It is against law in India to know about the gender of a creature when it is in its mother’s womb. I don’t have special attraction toward males or females in my position of father. So, his revelation of that secret did not influence us any way. We just knew about a truth a little earlier.

5. I desired to take Srijana to such hospital and doctor where more natural deliveries take place. I know that 90% children are entering this corrupt nation now through unnecessary operations conducted by selfish and immoral doctors minding money and comfort levels. A mother needs to suffer from four hours to 20 hours to deliver her baby naturally. Many mothers and doctors are not interested in this natural process now. I wanted to admit Srijana into a hospital in Anakapalle town, which is long known for natural deliveries to the maximum but the party of Srijana wanted it to take place in Tuni only because this place is easily accessible to them. I advised Srijana to be prepared for a natural delivery. I talked seriously with Dr C S Lakshmi at Talli Pillala Hospital (Mother and Children’s Hospital) in Tuni about my decision in this regard. It was where Srijana was born years ago. Then this doctor was very new to her profession. During these 19 years, she grew a lot, both professionally and financially. She attends delivery cases. Her husband attends children’s cases. They carry out their work in one abode only. She looked snobbish, hypocritical and egoistic when talking with me. This is how many doctors in India behave when the patient before them looks simple and innocent. I looked so to her. She could remain peaceful to that extent. She told me that she will see that it would be a natural delivery only.

6. Srijana sensed more pains during the night of 24 July, 2009, while staying at the rented abode of her maternal uncle Rama Sekhara Raju, very near to Talli Pillala Hospital in Tuni. They took her to this hospital around 9:00 PM IST that night in a rickshaw. Then I was at the abode of my brother Srinivas in Visakhapatnam on a casual visit. I actually went there to be with Srijana during time of her delivery. It is what any good and sensitive woman in India desires to happen, I presume. She gave birth to a creature in that hospital, under the supervision of Dr C S Lakshmi, by 1:36:40 AM IST, the early hours of Saturday. She later told me that she underwent severe pains for about three hours. She shouted against the nurse standing by her to subject her to operation, being unable to undergo that pain associated with natural delivery. They somehow managed her and made it a natural delivery as desired by me and approved by God. A natural delivery does not take place only if we desire it but even her health and other circumstances should favor our preference. Complications may develop at the eleventh hour. Then we should allow the doctor to follow his or her conscience and professional experience. They informed me about it that late night over phone. I felt happy. It is the only pain a husband or anybody in this world can’t avoid. I don’t know why God subjected woman to this agony in natural delivery. I felt relieved.

7. I went to see Srijana and our little creature in that hospital by 11:30 AM IST or so on 25th July. He looked cute. My mother, brothers, sisters-in-law and some other relatives came there to see the mother and the child. I indirectly instructed my father not to come to see him at all. I thought he was a failure as a father toward me and my brothers. He thought and behaved like a businessman always in treating and bringing us up. He linked everything with money. He loved money more than his wife and children. There are many poor fathers like him in this world but all of them did not lack basic fatherly instincts and related acts like him. With such character, he need not express his artificial love toward my son also. Some of my relatives criticized me for my decision and instruction in this regard. I handled them softly.

8. I did not like the hygiene and atmosphere in this hospital. I cursed myself for leaving Srijana in that ditch of hospital. I did not beat or kill C S Lakshmi or her husband on the spot because my role in this nasty democratic India is not that of a terrorist but that of an observer and commentator. These rogues bribe government officials and run their clinics and hospitals in dustbins also. I failed as a husband in this event. An intelligent, sensitive, cultured and visionary husband should not leave his innocent and helpless wife in an abode of pain and strain in such testing circumstances of her life. I did it. Then I was surviving borrowing money from others, without job. Money makes many things in this nation. I lacked it.

9. Srijana moved to the house of her maternal grandparents in village Viswanadhapuram within two days. Her maternal grandfather was not happy with the attitude and lifestyle of Rama Raju, the father of Srijana. Disputes surfaced soon. Srijana was upset over these developments. I brought Srijana and our little creature to Hyderabad when he was hardly two months old. Generally, in our region, a mother stays in the abode of her parents until her baby crosses the age of five or six months.

10. I moved to a rented abode at Vanasthalipuram on 7 August, 2009, from Kakaguda because that fellow increased the rent of my portion from 3500 rupees to 4000 rupees. It is a little abode. Whatever I was paying him was more than necessary. I did not like his move. I don’t argue with somebody if I find him mentally backward. I found Raju Yadav a buffoon. When house rents were decreasing day by day due to the slowdown in software industry, he casually increased my portion rent. I taught him a lesson simply leaving his abode within two months after the rent hike. The monthly rent of the abode in Vanasthalipuram is also 4000 rupees but it is many times better than the earlier one. Srijana and our little creature entered this abode around 16th August. Srijana’s mother came here to help her. She stayed with us for about two months. She did extraordinary service to our little creature during this time. Maternal grandmothers prove goddesses in nurturing their grandchildren when they are infants of months. I think my maternal grandmother also rendered such services to me when I was that age. I could not do anything for her. I regret it whenever I think about maternal grandmothers around me.

11. The amount of money I borrowed to survive from my cousins by November 2009 was about 1, 50,000 rupees. I was jobless. My father sold one acre of mango farm in Gollalagunta, which was in my name on revenue documents, sometime around this time. It fetched 5, 60,000 rupees. My father bought it for about 14, 000 rupees around 1985 from my maternal grandmother Buchchiyyamma. When registration work was going on at the office of Sub Registrar in Jaggampeta, to transfer the rights of my land to the buyer, my father compelled me to buy some revenue documents and write on them stating that I do not have any rights thereafter on any pieces of land or other property he put in my name earlier. He said that he would not allow this sale to go ahead unless I do it. When documentation process is half way at a registrar’s office, it can’t be withdrawn easily. Even if it is possible, it looks very embarrassing and illogical to the observers around. We should not go there without settling our petty issues related to a land. When I took 4, 50,000 rupees from the sale of that land and getting ready to leave that place, my father talked very badly with me. I can put it something like this, “A shameless robber like you are grabbing that money from me and running away. You are worse than a shameless dog which keeps waiting at the abode of its owner waiting for a bit of morsels of rice despite his hatred and disgust at it. You are a worthless bloke depending on my alms to survive”. You should read my personal diaries to understand me more. This is why I got them typed up. I am editing them to publish one day in future because you can’t understand one looking at his body but his mind and conscience. Then only you can understand whether my father was right or wrong in behaving that way with me in such circumstances. I had to survive to look after my wife and our little creature. I could not throw that money on his face and come back to Hyderabad because I was already in a muddy and slippery pit. I can’t come out of it in other ways. There are many millionaires and billionaires in this nation but how many people like me in such circumstances can approach them and beg them to donate or lend me in lakhs without familiarity and celebrity status. My richest platonic friend is Deepthi as far as my imagination goes. Often my imaginations were like this, during that time, before my father sold his land for me, “Fellow, we are not in touch but I consider you a good creature. Take this money and do something about it later. First come out of this hell”, the generous words of Deepthi with me. When imaginations fail, we must face reality without blaming anybody or anything. Even today I admire Deepthi as a great creature. There would be many causes for why she could/did not help me. So, we should not dislike or blame anybody without checking facts. My second book is a collection of emails I sent her four years ago. You can savor the feelings, notions, emotions and passions of sensitive and ideal love and admiration in those stories in emails. That evening, I thought, near my father, “So far, you would have spent ten lakh rupees for me at the most. I will pay it back to you. Then only I can consider myself a normal human being. Otherwise I would remain a robber forever in my conscience because I grabbed this money from you today”.

12. Very few help us without checking proofs and asking rational or irrational questions. We call them idealists and saints. They are very few in every nation. Millions of helpless people are daily struggling in this holy nation to survive through the principles of honesty and hard work. Compared to them, I am better. My father has something with him. So, I could snatch part of it from him. He did not complain against me in a police station because he is my father. Somewhere in his heart, he experiences great love and passion for me because those are the basic instincts God installed in all Indians centuries ago. We can’t remove them today with medicines, technology or hypnotism. Indians are essentially slaves and addicts to their familial and social relationships. I loosened my strong stand toward him later and allowed him to see his little grandson related to me.

13. My elder brother Sambha and sister-in-law Kranthi did not have children even after ten years after their marriage. They asked me to give our little creature to them through formal adoption. My parents, eldest brother and other relatives also supported that idea. I rejected it. No creature comes into this world without a purpose. Srijana and I are just agents chosen by God to beget this creature and bring him up. We have no moral or spiritual rights to send him to another house. My brother or sister-in-law cannot think and behave like us toward him now or later. I can’t go against the dictates of God, one guiding many occurrences and mysteries in this world silently, infusing unbelievable logic and reason into everything happening in this cosmos. When they were trying to adopt somebody else from other sources, I advised them not to do it. They have no discipline and patience in life. They can’t look after even a dog perfectly. Bringing up children is not an ordinary issue. It is a lifelong test to parents. Many sacrifices and selfless services are involved in that process. My folks have no such qualities. A dog lives happily if we leave it on road, without expecting anything from us. If we bring it home out of interest, we must look after it carefully until it dies. My brother and sister-in-law are not eligible even to look after a dog according to my assessment of their characters and lifestyles. He has a little property and can buy many things for my son if I give him to them. But he can’t think and live like me in this birth. Our thoughts and lifestyles influence our children. Perhaps this creature entered our space of lives being attracted by our qualities. I should not ask him to go out of it. Mother is the best creature to bring up her children. Nobody in this world can substitute the love and care of Srijana toward our creature.

14. Many mothers are unable to feed their breast milk to their children now. I don’t know why it is happening now widely. Our creature is lucky in this regard. He collects it from his mother daily in various poses. I wonder looking at his behavior in this respect. Perhaps more creativity than necessary!

15. We followed the schedule of vaccination necessary to him at every stage so far and would continue it. We take him to Government Hospital in Vanasthalipuram whenever needed. We take him to Dr Raghavendra Deshmukh frequently for general checkups. This gentleman is one of the great doctors in India. He collects 50 rupees only from anybody. That too only when he prescribes medicines for them. Otherwise, even if we take our children to him for five or six times, he checks them and sends them out without taking money. Every day, about 50 mothers take their children to his Abhay Clinic. He is earning money after becoming a doctor. He did not become a doctor only to earn money. He is a humanitarian, idealist, visionary and social reformer according to my assessment of his character and service as a doctor. I enjoy his presence whenever I go there along with Srijana and our little entity. He does not prescribe medicines unless it is necessary or to satisfy medical representatives and the companies sending them there. His first priority is children and the status of their parents. India needs such doctors today badly. Only then every Indian can happily go to meet a doctor when he or she is sick, instead of going to a medical store and buying a few medicines suggested by laymen, pharmacists or friends.

16. At the age of third month to this creature, we gave him the name of Anand Sagar Varma formally under the supervision of a priest in Viswanadhapuram. I set this name, asking others to keep quiet. I considered Gautham Maharshi also but my folks found it too much. Then I ended up at this one. Anand and Sagar are broader terms related to India and world. They are Indian names but bliss and sea are phenomena present and known across the world. He belongs to India, not any region in this nation. My intention in setting this name to him is that. There are eight ‘a’s and 20 letters in his full English name. There are 20 letters in my full English name also. It is a little logic and magic I infused into his name. Many think that an idealist should not mind concepts like community and religion. Varma toward the end of his name signifies his community. I am a Kshatriya. It is a characteristic of Indian tradition and culture to which I belong. There are many virtues in our tradition and culture. We need not discard them in the name of modernity and global outlook. Our highness lies in respecting and following the great characteristics of Indian culture. Honor killings reflect the villainous tendencies of Hindus and avoidable aspects of our culture. Such practices must be brutally suppressed and uprooted from this nation by governments or people concerned. We can’t develop this nation or help others only by changing our names or neutralizing some words but building our characters whereby we can love as many people and creatures around us as possible. Surnames and related suffixes are for our specific identity. If we erase this diversity of our physical identities in terms of names and other aspects of our culture, one day, we will become a mass of many things, in which we can’t find out anything interesting because all think or appear alike. Real worth of humanity lies in inculcating universal fraternity, not universally crazy fashions and trends. Character is more important than outward appearance. When the people of a nation lack it, there is no use of any names or identities to them in any style. They are worse than beasts and rocks.

17. We carried out the Anna Praashana occasion to Anand in his eighth month. It means “a ceremony of formal introduction of homemade hard food to a child”. We keep a few things before him or her on this occasion. He or she would be left freely a little away from them. He or she has to go there crawling and touch them thrice, each once, in three rounds. It is believed that his casual behavior during this occasion in touching them reflects his behavior and course of life ahead. Anand touched Bhagavad Gita, flowers and sweet rice in this ceremony conducted in our abode at Peda Gummuluru amid a few invitees.

18. Anand is accustomed to spending more time with his mother than anybody else. His growth is good. He is at the stage of learning to stand and walk as on 25 July, 2010. He likes playing with water. He enjoys outdoor trips like anything. He laughs even at trivial acts by us now and then. We think perhaps he does not know whether he should laugh or not on such occasions. He expresses special interest in me when he observes that I am going out. He is interested in eating food items from others than ones prepared and fed by his mother. She makes his food items softer considering his age but he does not eat it like a disciplined boy. He approaches us fast when he observes us eating food in plates. He observed us cautioning him when he was touching everything. Recently he started looking at our faces before touching some things as if he was looking for our approval for it. When we are not around him, he touches everything. He diverts many things to his mouth thinking that everything is prepared by God only to be eaten by him without hesitation. He moves his legs and hands if we show him a little dance from our side. He pulls out things from shelves and puts them down. He does not stay steady when I focus camera at him to take a photo. I see a monkey in him at that time. I introduced a little bit of jaggery to him recently. He liked that taste. He turned averse to food after this practice. I understood that sweet things attract children more than other ones. Srijana told me to keep him away from that frequent jaggery tasting practice. I approved it. He is good at mischief when indoors. Outdoors he watches many things available because they are all interesting and encouraging to him.

19. The only thing I don’t like in him is that he cries more than necessary for everything. For example, if a thorn pierces our sole on a road when we are walking carelessly, we bend down silently, pull it out and throw it away. We walk ahead without making fuss out of it because that situation does not demand our special acting skills. If it is Anand, he calls 100 onlookers and describes it like anything and cries about it for five minutes. He cries quite irrationally and illogically now and then. A child of his age may cry for food, water or due to any discomfort he is experiencing beyond our observation. But, he cries without any reason. I think he made crying a habit rather than using that act for expression of his pain or discomfort. After realizing this truth, I beat him about 12 times with my right palm on his buttocks. I know that it is against ethics and standards of humanity to beat a child of that age even softly. Somehow my internalized notions of discipline and order provoke me to beat him and set right when he behaves quite irrationally and illogically. My intention in trying to correct him that way is not to allow him to make crying as a habit. He should also understand that indiscipline leads to difficulties and tears soon. A puppy knows well how to conduct itself even when it is three or four days old. It does not expect its mother to guide it always but it follows it from that tender age itself. It seeks the help of its mother mainly for its share of breast milk. Man is wiser than all these creatures on earth according to our scientists. I can’t understand where this blunder occurred in evolution of man. Why can’t a child behave normally even when he is a few months old? What is his brain doing then? Is he psychologically and physically weaker than a pup on a street or a cub in a forest? Why are children trying to eat and drink everything in their reach? It is turning out to be the most dangerous age in their evolution as human beings because as parents we can’t hang with them every moment. Is it because we humans made them so sensitive and dependable due to our excess love for them when they are babies or is it to test the patience levels of parents in bringing up their children set by God? The prior may be acceptable to scientists and the latter to spiritually motivated ones. Children are undoubtedly a big burden to their parents. You can understand this if you compare what your parents did to you so far and what you could do to them in return. I did very little to my parents in comparison to what they did to me. I can’t assess their worth as parents in terms of money. However, many, familiar to us, say that Anand is a very good boy because he cries very rarely. If crying is a habit of Anand, it may be life to some children! Imagine the predicament of parents possessing such children in their homes. They create hell for you. You must take it as heaven and resume your normal and tolerant life there until their abnormalities cease to emerge before you in course of their development toward better humans. Anand expresses interest to eat everything though he does not sustain that passion for long. If he finds somebody on road eating snacks or other substances, he makes sounds and stretches his hand in that direction. He must be practicing universal fraternity from now onwards! I often tell Srijana, “Perhaps he is a beggar in his previous birth. He wants to eat and drink everything. He is attending those unfulfilled desires now!” What if they are not ready to eat anything as we find it with some children? He started teething around 28 June, 2010. It is late compared to normal course of teething. My folks say that late emergence of teeth means long duration of teeth. Imaginations are sweeter than realities! Better late than never!

20. After beating Anand, I regret my act within minutes. I comment within myself, “Fellow, it is wrong on my part. I should not have resorted to such brutal act considering your age and innocence. When you grow up, you would find me as a great father. I love sensible, sensitive and virtuous creatures. Even if you don’t belong to that category, I will bear with you for some time and then kick you out to live on your own. I don’t pity you if you become an idiot. Many good people are there seeking my attention. Why should I keep you with me leaving them all in unpleasant conditions? It is up to you how to behave and think to be with me. Anyway, I will deposit 10,000 rupees for every beat I released on your back middle now for the irrationality and madness you expressed in that order”.

21. I bought a Sony digital camera in November 2009 for 12,000 rupees to take photos and videos of Srijana and Anand because time and its history are invaluable and memorable. I want to see and enjoy the childhood looks and poses of Anand in future and show them to him also when he grows up. I am a lover of photos and preserving history through photos for our future generations in every considerable field. I took many photos and videos of Srijana and Anand with it and stored them in DVDs. I am not completely happy with all those photos and videos but they are better than nothing. Recently a cousin of Srijana took it to seashore to take photos. A tide hit it and damaged it. They paid me 12,000 rupees for that loss. I could not buy another camera immediately with that money against other highly pressing needs of money. I will soon buy another better camera to capture our moments of life.

22. Anand has about 20 pairs of clothes. Each pair does not cost more than 80 rupees. To his age, clothes of that order are good enough. We need not spend a lot for his clothes to satisfy our unwanted egos or attracting artificial compliments from others. We did not buy many toys also for him. They are about 10 or so. All of them cost about 200 rupees. We frequently take him to Rajiv Gandhi Park and nursery near our abode. He enjoys watching others playing there. He observed us playing with a big rubber ball in our abode. Now he is going there and playing throwing it like us. He crawls very fast when he is very much fascinated by something. His excitement and enthusiasm levels seem to be high. He kisses his mother only when she commands him to do it when he is in a different mood. He does it voluntarily when he wants to get something done by her. There is much rapport between them! He remembers me when he is bored of spending for long in our abode and wants to go out. Then I should take him out like his honorary servant. He waves his hands happily into air when I am walking with him on a road. He pulls our cellular phone pieces from us and puts them at his ears. He presses those buttons with force and tries to imitate us. He goes to the front of our main door and watches things on road holding the parts of iron structure there by corridor.

23. He is much interested in dogs and other animals. In Telugu we beckon a dog “ddhoo, ddhoo”. He heard us calling dogs so. In Telugu dog is addressed as “Kukka”. When we utter any of these words, he looks around to check if that creature of loyalty is there. He calls “ddhee ddhee”. I like his passion for animals because they are better than humans, the race to which he too belongs like us. Dog is the most reliable and trustworthy creature in this world today. Many birds are also lovable for us but inaccessible. We can’t fly to reach and kiss them. They don’t come to us voluntarily.

24. Anand added me another big responsibility entering our lives earlier than we expected. I have to pay Srijana also a big amount of money for the loss she incurred stopping her education in the middle. I would make her continue her education in near future, if possible. Those that want to study, do job and enjoy their lives when they are young can’t have children in time and look after them better for long. So, you should sacrifice one thing to benefit from the other. You should decide whether you want job and money or children and the related sense of fulfillment as parent. However, whether you derive happiness or pain from your children depends on your patience levels and their characters as well in the long run. One thing is true that our parents and their parents are more patient, ideal and hard-working than all of us acting much publicly today through lectures and books. We all owe a lot to them. They lived poor and died helplessly without expecting anything from us. From this perspective, I believe Srijana gained the presence and bliss related to Anand, losing her timely education meant for job and money.

25. I like the looks and expressions of Anand. He poses greatly, before crying, drawing his lips closer, hinting others about his subsequent activity. He immediately understands if Srijana or I express even a little anger at him through harsh words. He slowly gets into crying. He enjoys sleeping on soft things like pillows and his mother. He beats his mother on her face if she attacks him casually. He presses his index finger into her eyes to retaliate against her effectively. He observes everything she does in our kitchen. If she puts him down, he starts crying immediately. Or, he goes to the vegetables she puts in the lowest shelf there and puts them all out one after one. She recently arranged all things carefully there in such a way which does not harm him even if he pulls some things beyond our presence or notice there.

26. I often think about Srijana and Anand in this order, “I wanted to marry a beauty. You met that criterion. But you are very sensitive. Your son is also sensitive. Dealing with two sensitive creatures is not easy. Slowly I have to become insensitive and express it somewhere else. Then they become more insensitive toward me. Lord Krishna! You have maintained 16000 gopikaas in youth in Brindavan! Your patience and local coverage skills are marvelous!” I often tell Srijana that I would write love letters for Anand when he is at school and college level and finds girls magnetic. She reacts, “I don’t allow him to run after girls like you. Dogs are better than you”. She is against love in real life but goes on well with films and other forms of art celebrating that human quality. If Anand becomes handsome, nobody can stop him from falling in love with girls because they take initiative to attract him. He slowly falls in that trap. There is much time to see that episode in his life.

27. Srijana and I saw about four Telugu films so far along with Anand. The environment in a cinema is not good for a child of that age to be focused to but we helpless humans often get compelled to do some bad things with our good thoughts and plans also. Films are pieces of art created by many artistes and technicians for us, the entertainment seekers in the society. Seeing a film in a cinema along with other folks is always more enjoyable and thrilling than sitting in our houses or elsewhere and watching them in closed quarters among our few creatures. Going to cinema means honoring all those artistes and technicians with love and admiration for them. I feel so when going to a cinema because I have respect and love for all those associated with film industry. What they are showing me on screen is enjoyable and a result of their effort and hard work for many days. Their culture and behavior behind screen is another issue to be dealt with from another perspective in other occasions. We feel compelled to see some films. Srijana is younger and crazier than me for films. She enjoys watching them. I go alone to some films and take her to some films to fill that void to some extent. Anand feels a little disturbed during this time. It is his little sacrifice for us! It means we can’t perfectly fulfill all the ideals we set for ourselves. A little compromise in things like this does not damage our life!

28. Why did our Vedas venerate mother with the saying “Maathru Dhevobhava”? Until a child reaches the age of three or so, he can’t keep himself clean and hygienic after he attends his natural calls. It is his mother that serves him in this process of growth of a child for all those days and nights, in lower and middle class families, if not in modern and rich families we are seeing today in our familiarity. Is there certainty that all children serve their mother later a little? A mother does it out of love for her children. We can’t describe the virtues of a mother unless we take birth as a woman and bring up a child like a good mother in India. What we see and describe about mother is very little. We can’t understand anything perfectly unless we undergo it with our active body and spirit. Srijana gets more marks than me in this regard as a parent. If I become angry with Anand and beat him, she consoles him and lulls him to sleep like a kind and patient mother. If he gets up suddenly a midnight and starts crying restlessly, she takes him out to move here and there and comfort him. We can’t understand why he is crying. We can’t take him to a doctor also at that time unless it looks very serious. What if she gets angry with him and behaves like me always? Can we live like this today on earth if our mothers thought and behaved so toward us once? Fathers take up bigger responsibilities toward their children when they grow up more. It is not much difficult to handle them then. Mothers handle children patiently and kindly even when they behave irrationally and idiotically in their early childhood. Every child must do something great for his or her mother, if possible, when they are alive. Do anything great when they are alive, be it your mother, an artist, a scientist or a social reformer like Jaya Prakash Narayan. Thoughts or admiration, not expressed toward them; intuitive services supposed to be done toward them; when they are alive; disturb and hurt us deeply later. Life is a playground. Death is its exit. Act and react in your playground vibrantly when there are action and passion in your body and spirit. Don’t suffer when nearing the exit passively. The first person to be served in our life is our mother. Do other things later. Setting priorities and practicing them in our life is important.

29. If a child is born in a bad set of elements of horoscope, our relatives and priests command us to follow some conventions. We need to follow them without arguments with them. Anand was born at such time, which was not disturbing for me from any perspective. Otherwise I had to spend about ten thousand rupees. Then I was in very bad conditions. Ten thousand looked like fifty thousand to me then. I am grateful to Anand in this regard.

30. I quit my last job on 30 November, 2008. I did not join any job thereafter. I may join some job around October 2010. I am not interested in editing and writing works in the office of a company as I did earlier. I would see if I can do something in the Telugu film industry. I wasted much time during this time because I had no computer to carry out my personal works also. I bought a Dell computer in November 2009. Then I started editing the content of my books and personal diaries. I can finish this work in three months or so from now. My reserves reach the bottom by that time. I must join a job then to survive. It is compulsion, not choice. I could spend with Srijana and Anand during this time, editing my works. When God loves us very much, he gives us long leaves to allow us to rest and relax at home. This is how I take it. I enjoyed the presence and innocent acts of Anand because I am at home. It is something I can’t buy in market later. I searched and struggled a lot to find a beauty, who can inspire me with her very presence. I stopped at Srijana in this trip of life and marriage. I enjoyed her presence also during this time. Many found me as a senseless and foolish bloke observing my silent work sitting at home when I am supposed to do a job going to attractive offices like others. When we can’t make others understand us, we must pity them and allow them to comment against us instead of disturbing ourselves and jumping out of our scheduled path of conviction and efforts. I did it. Srijana and Anand too suffered a little due to my behavior this way during this time because I did not earn money on my own for them. It is what society expects from me. I could not spend more time closely with Anand either because I spent most of my time doing something on my computer. I have to apologize to him in future to this extent.

31. When typing up the foreword for my first book, which was published recently and came out, I thought on whether I should include the names of Srijana and Anand in it or not as acknowledgment. I finalized faster that it was necessary. When I had to take them to a park or another place of public entertainment, I spent editing my works. Imagine a person in your home always doing the same work not minding you or your interests much. You probably develop carelessness or disgust toward him or her. I hurt them to that extent. So, I mentioned their names also in it. A good work never comes to the hands, eyes or ears of readers, viewers or listeners unless its creator works on it passionately and energetically. I too struggled that way to polish the content of my first book and other books during this long leave of life from going to artificial and nasty offices of work in the twin cities. Think much before blaming an artist or technician. You live for yourself but he or she lives for you. An industrialist earns money and fame using the intelligence and hard work of his employees. A celebrity sportsman kills our valuable time, making us worthless and irrational scoundrels in the process, in the long run. A technician or artist struggles restlessly applying his creativity or skill to entertain, educate or serve others in the best way possible to him. Ilayaraja is such artist. Bill Gates is such technician. I enjoyed one’s music during this time, on a computer, largely supported by technology invented and distributed by another man’s efforts. They are for us. They are our assets. We owe them all a lot.

32. Many celebrate the birthdays of their children grandly. I don’t see much worth or specialty in it. We did it very simply and casually at our home. Begetting children is not great. Even dogs and pigs are doing it better than us without going to hospitals and consulting doctors. Even bringing up our children is not great. Innocent birds are doing it silently. I am not feeling proud to beget this creature called Anand. How much we could serve or change others is important. India is in a very bad condition now because of our corrupt politicians, our unethical industrialists, cunning and villainous enemy countries and our brainless celebrities in sports and films. Being highly influenced by these horrible trends and practices, many are spoiling their lives silently or violently. India can’t be considered great until every Indian in this nation can live happily and securely, and die peacefully, not regretting the lives of his dependents after his exit. Every good Indian must try to change the state of affairs in this nation from this perspective. I want to do a little in this direction and make Anand also a contributor to this great change. It is my dream.

Datla Chiranjeevi Raju,

25 July 2010.